Trial & Error

Happy Mothers's Day 2010

2010-05-09T08:49:00.004+05:30

I know how everybody thinks their mum is the best mother in the whole wide world. They are right, too! My mum is the best mum in this whole wide world. Only, my mum is also my hero. The woman who stood alone in this world and brought up two daughters, all by herself. And how?! I don't think my sister or I would have been what we are today if not for her. She has watched over us like a hawk and I am sure that today, she is just as proud to be our mother as we are to be her daughters.

But mum is not the only mother I am thankful for. I read this on a tee shirt at Walmart a while ago - "Grandma is Mom without the rules" How true! Especially, when it comes to my Paati. There are days when I come home and just lie down on the couch and my head automatically sinks in my Paati's lap. How I wish I could feel her soft and yielding hug right now! She is the quirkiest grandma ever! If you knew her, you'll be so green with jealousy that I have such a beautiful grandma. A true survivor she is.

There have always been three beautiful women in my life. I have already mentioned two of them. The third and the loveliest of them all is my sister. She is my best friend. There is not a day that goes by where I wish that I had some more time to spend with her. Over the years and the long distance between us, we have an amazing friendship that only gets better as time goes by. The thing is, even before she became a mother to my neice Akshaya, my sister is my mum. The lovely figure I have lived in the shadow of. The one person I look up to.

If I can be half the woman or mother as you all have been, I will consider my children extremely lucky to have me.

Happy Mother's Day, sweethearts! I may be really far away but your thoughts will always be in my heart.

PS: I wish a Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mothers out there!

Of Happy Endings and New Beginnings

2010-02-15T01:45:00.005+05:30

OK. I don't know what or why, but I need to write. I think its more so because so much is happening in my life and I am so busy trying to swim through it all, that I don't have the time to sit down and absorb everything in. The good thing is, nice things are happening to me. The horrible thing is, I have no time for anything whatsoever. Even calling my best friend just to talk! The end is here. I don't mean "end" in a morbid sort of way. Its just the beginning of an all new life and the stop of my present one. There. I got it out. This end is bittersweet and it is happening.

What is happening? Let me spell it. Actually, I am going to write about it, not to let my readers know about the intricate details of my life, but to allow me to come to terms with the changes, the beautiful changes that are going on. I am officially of age. You know, the age where you don't get to be a big girl anymore but are forced to become a woman with responsibilities and all? As a girl, I had always wanted to grow up and live the life. Now that it is in my hands, I get this awesome feeling that one gets while sitting in the front seat of the world's most terrifying roller-coaster. Again, not morbid, at least not for a roller-coaster junkie like me.

Its great when good things happen. When you keep getting these assurances that you are doing whats right for you, personally and professionally. I am not an optimist. But with the right signs, I can see the light, even if it is just flickering, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its beautiful and its calling me, encouraging me to put on my bravest face and go for it. When you have a hand to hold, the hand which guides you through it is a sturdy one and is strong enough to support you if you do stumble, the length of the tunnel is of little significance.

So, the end is here. Of a joyful life spent talking about the world's most frivolous things with the girlfriends. Where we spent hours dreaming about a future. We never pictured that for this future to begin, this life that we were enjoying will come to an end. I am no longer that scared little girl. I am a woman about to give myself over to a man I trust. After much searching, I was lucky enough to deserve this new beginning. New beginning? Did I just sound positive? What do you know? The right kind of love can do wonders.

Purrfection

2009-10-19T22:48:00.004+05:30

When I used to dream of the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I always thought he would be this perfect fairy-tale guy. You know, the cheesy guy with a brilliant smile that would make me swoon. The macho guy who would beat the living daylights out of those who bother me. The endearingly insensitive idiot who would make me smile to myself. Well, now as I am typing out my once-upon-a-time fantasy, I can't help but feel nauseated.

Life happens and it turns you inside out. It teaches you that what you expect from someone or something is not even what you really need. It shows you ever so subtly in its bizarre ways that you need to persevere with it, to even deserve the bare minimum levels of happiness. Somehow that cheesy guy with the brilliant smile looks better in your nightmares. The nightmares you can laugh about when you share a couple of drinks with the girlfriends. The macho guy you dreamed of? Well, he was probably on steroids without which he is a stupid sissy. Somehow, all you can see in that idiot is his insensitivity and you can't help but laugh at yourself for falling for such a loser. So, life tells you that this fairy-tale you had in mind is absolute Grade I Bullshit.

After all that happens and your dreams go up in smoke and a helluva lot of Vodka, you realise that this crazy guy who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, does exist! Only not in your life. You do come across such a guy. Only if you ever do, take my advice and steer clear of him. Life is too precious to be wasted on fairy-tale endings. Too cynical for you? Don't jump to those conclusions yet. Read on, dear friend.

Without even actively thinking about it, expectations change. You don't need to make these vows and resolutions that you will not fall for the next guy who sweeps you off your feet. When the perfect guy comes along, he won't even make an effort to do so. He would just present himself to you wrapped in nothing but brown paper. None of the fancy stuff for you, from this guy. Just himself and that dry wit. The type that will make you laugh and just feel good. When you are drowning in all the little worries in your life and he says that you will be fine, even if he truly doesn't know what he is talking about and you believe him because that is all you wanted to hear, you smile. A smile that will last forever because he wants it to. It will tug at your heart, when he is upset about something. You will be sleepless all night wondering what is it that is so special about this seemingly ordinary guy that you light up when he gives you that dimpled smile when you least expect it. It is enough for you if he is around to shield you from anything remotely painful, no one needs to get beaten up because nothing bothers you. Insensitivity? What is that? That word is for the girls who did not know this guy.

Yes, I can say that I never dreamt of this guy. This guy who can make me laugh and feel good. Who can light me up without even realising it. Who can show all the care on earth and some more and make me feel like I am special. Who is so seemingly ordinary, yet out of this world with his extra-ordinary brilliance. I don't want to swoon, I don't want a line of poor beaten up guys behind me and I definitely don't want an idiot. He changed my expectations without me even realising it and by doing so, he surpassed all of those silly expectations. This is what he calls purr-fection and its what I call him.

Image Courtesy: Krishna Prakash

Just another day?

2009-08-02T00:07:00.003+05:30

I am peeved. Period.

Friends. Who are these people? If I were really corny I would have searched for some cheddar-cheesy quotes on the web and extrapolated on that one. I am not saying I am not corny. I do give in to some extra-saccharine sweetened quotes now and then. But, lets not talk about that. Lets talk about friends for now.

They are people who at different points of time have comforted you. At that point of time they have made you smile. The same people do go ahead and do various other things. Which are at times ugly or at times even more beautiful. By their actions and of your own they somehow either stay on as friends or move on to worse things in your life.

Everyone has their own definition for a friend. The person you call in the middle of the night to sob away. The person you drop by without calling beforehand. The person who can be the tough parent when you don't have the balls to go yours. The person who is the mother hen you felt so secure with. The person who you never talk to but you know will be there just an offline or phone call away. The person you have shared a million experiences with but haven't met so far. The person who would share that large pop-corn with you at the movies and let you drink most of the Coke. Well, you get the picture. You have your own definitions. I am sure that no matter how you define your friend, he/she will be just as glad to have you and you'd do the same for them.

Now, why am I peeved if I have so cutely described what my friends are to me? It is because there also those people who define you as a friend and fail to keep their end of the bargain. They expect you to be their friend while they go on and do things that don't fit into their own definition. I will not ask why?! I don't ask questions. If I ask, they misconstrue it as caring and they go ahead and make bigger fools out of themselves.

You might also be wondering, why this kind of a post on the eve of Friendship Day? Well, to me, tomorrow is a Sunday, one that I am going to be spending with a ward full of patients. But, the freakish messages from some random person who called me a "Sweet Friend" did spark me off to begin writing such a piece. Where on earth do people come up such stuff? The crazy messages that am sure if they really meant, they needn't have sent it at all! I don't mean to sound all snooty but one does get tired with superficial crap.

Friendship Day or not, if you are my friend you will be treasured forever. If you aren't then you will know it sooner or later. All I am asking is, try and respect someone else's feelings and they will appreciate it with twice the efforts to respect yours too.

All those corny message senders and forwarders, May Their Souls Rest in Peace!

Papercut

2009-07-19T00:57:00.005+05:30

Stranded

Abandoned

Disheartened, I stand

Silent tears roll down

Why?

Not a soul to hear

My wordless despair.

Crying out loud

Amidst a crowd

The result unchanged

Apathy

Indifference

A cold shoulder

Is all I get.

I turn to you

Let you absorb these drops

I wish you were human

Not always inanimate

So I can hear you say

That I am worth more

More than I know.

What can you say?

Can you even see?

You know I inscribe

Words in deep blue

Which make no sense

You are, I realise

Not unlike everything I love.

I am. He is. We are.

2009-06-26T07:18:00.002+05:30

I am an ordinary person. I see people for what they are, accept them for who they are and love them for what they may or may not be. I hope that I will be seen, accepted and loved for who I am. I dream that I will be what I want to be. I pray to attain the strength to realize my hopes and dreams. I cherish my life and the people in it. I love. Hence, I live.

He is an ordinary guy. To you, that is. To me, he is anything but that. His laughter is the thing that will alleviate my sorrow. His dimpled smile is the one that can brighten up the gloomiest of days. His love is the fuel for my hopes and dreams. He is the answer to all my prayers. Of course, he is the one I cherish the most. He loves. Hence, I live.

We are not ordinary people. We were thrown into extra-ordinary circumstances yet fought through it all. Sometimes with each other, but most times it was just us against this world. We hope now, for a life together. We dream of the perfection our life would be. We cherish the moments we have. We love. We shall live.

Life:101

2009-06-16T13:06:00.006+05:30

It is interesting how you sit down and rewind your life for a specific period of time and watch yourself grow from being someone you were never meant to be to being someone you always wanted to be. My life over the past months has taught me quite a few precious lessons, the ones I intend to keep with me all my life, so I can draw out of them the wisdom I would need to continue with who I want to be.

Perhaps, the biggest awakening I had gotten in my life was to see myself for what I really am and stop being the hapless soul I had made myself into. So deluded was I into believing that I did not deserve happiness and I just forgot all about that blissful word. This, I could do by opening my heart and mind to people who have always been there, in the shadows, waiting for me to wake up from my reverie. And then there are those who come into your life and sweep you off your feet, rock you world and turn it upside down. Opening up and seeing myself through their eyes was the key.
Whenever you are down in life, always look at yourself through the eyes of the one who believes in you much more than you allow yourself to.

Then there was that time, where I pushed myself to the limit of breaking, to achieve what I had dreamed of being all along. The time where I fretted about all the wasted time over worthless things and people, worried that I did not deserve the dream I had because I simply wasn't worth it, mooned over what will happen to my future now that I have nothing left to stand for and still somehow found the strength to give it my best shot.
Whenever you think that you have nothing to look forward to, the least you can do is not look behind at all that went past by. What you have is now and you'd better give it your best.

When my future seemed absolutely bleak because the ghosts of my past had chased away what life there was left in me, I had tried to blot out as much of it as was humanly possible and tried to revive my life back again. I held on to a tiny sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, I deserved to be loved. The months of despair where I was lying in remorse and the distaste I had for myself for not having handled the situations well initially. The days of agony imagining that I had probably lost the best part of my life.
Whenever things look bleak, hold on to hope, even if its the weakest thread you have got. Strengthen your hopes by adding some love to it.

At the end of the day, I stand a winner. I have all the work I put in, shape out as my dreams. All the love I once gave away, has now returned a thousand-fold to keep me happy. More than anything else, I feel I have myself. The person I always was. The soul that knows to fight and withstand the hardships that may come its way.

Letting my hair down...

2009-04-15T04:42:00.004+05:30

To be free from all your worries, to break free from a very boring routine, to actually learn to sleep peacefully, to have a nice flowing laugh without any worries niggling at you, ah! It sure feels nice just to sit and type away my thoughts.

There is still a tinge of anxiety in me because my results are due anytime now and not being in Hyderabad when they might come is also scary! I don't have any way of knowing if the results are good or bad without someone else checking it for me and letting me know!

I actually love the fact that I don't even look at my watch these days. It feels nice not to be doing anything fruitful. I have to start writing properly again. I have so many more updates of a very lovely vacation. I was brave enough to take THREE months off from my Internship (i.e hoping I pass! *fingers crossed*) and in this time I have come to the States to visit my Aunt and will be flying to Aussie in another 10 days or so to visit my sister and my beautiful niece. Its a lovely plan, I know!

Will try and write as often as possible. I sure have a lot to write but little time to put my plans into action!

Cheers! (Wish me luck for my results, please?)

Its been long...

2009-03-25T16:13:00.002+05:30

So, Final Year is almost done with.

I am back, back to write.

I have come back from this huge break 'cos in the real world I was so consumed with trying to be a doctor. Well, now that I am relatively free, I am back to my beloved space. Where my thoughts take shape into words and tell the story of my life. :)

There have always been scars. Scars you want to hide. Scars you want to flaunt. Scars which you forget ever existed. Scars that always remind you of the things you have been through. For the most part, you can't do a thing about them. You just hope to move on from that point. And so, from this day forth, I have hidden a few scars, forgotten a few and am happly to flaunt some. I am being cryptic, I know. :D

I am just back. To write, to read and savour every moment of my the free time I have craved for all these months! :)

Cheers!

Hyderabad Indeed

2008-06-10T20:00:00.004+05:30

If you really did not know this by now, here it is thrust in your face. I love Hyderabad with its flaws and all. And to express my undying love for all things Hyderabadi, me and my friend V have collaborated on a blog named Street Spirit.

I was thinking how am I going to manage two blogs. Well, now I needn't think that way. I will have to think of three!

I know that most people who visit my space are not from Hyderabad. So why not drop by there and get the feel of a place which re-defines Biryani? You may just fall in love with this oh-so-livable city. ;)

And so Final Year is here to stay!

2008-06-06T13:02:00.005+05:30

Due to a horrendously long writer's block and thanks to the pain-in-the-@$$ surgery posting, I am now re-posting an old post of mine, one that I wrote when I was in a similar mood with new additions of this posting's experiences.

The column "Interests" on my blogger profile lists- music, books and surgery.

I should also say this profile was updated before I started my Surgery postings in college!

My interest in surgery still remains. It is the surgeons I detest!

And to get back at that group of surgeons I hate, here is the following.

Surgeons as a rule are a big bunch of MCPs. Of course, as for every rule there are exceptions. This post does not apply to those few.

#1 Women cannot become surgeons.

Ha! Get over your ego you old fool!

Well, women are as good as men if not better. Not many Indian women take up surgery because of their family issues and all that bunch of crap. That doesn't mean those few surgeons are incompetent.

It takes more guts for a woman to become a surgeon in a man's world!(I am talking mostly about the situation in India)

I vow to get right back at them by becoming one. This one here, relishes a challenge!

#2 You can crack all sortsa jokes on your female students.
Seriously! Who gave you the right to?!
Its sad that we can't say a thing to their face. Just because our Final Year results lay in their hands we have to put up with their snide remarks and sexist jokes!
While the boys keep sniggering at the back at their tasteless tirade, us girls have to suffer all that! Well, let me tell you this! We are so much better at answering questions during grill-time.

"How can you tell me that this patient was unco-operative? You are girls! He would be more than co-operative!" Spoken by the HOD of Surgery when we told him that this patient with hydrocele was refusing to show us his private parts.

"Aap unko bhi bataayiye. Ye bacche seekhna chaahthe hain. Aakhir aap ko bhi wahi hai jho inke paas hai." Said another Surgeon to a lady with a breast lump.
(Translated= Please show these students, they want to learn. After all you have the same "parts" that these girls do.)

#3 All females under your supervision are subject to your leching.
This does not even deserve a remark from me!
It just plain disgusts me! I mean we are subjected to this one too just because we care enough to learn something and pass!

This is just a post to show how awful surgeons really are.(Atleast in my college, my so-called professors fall under this category.)
And as of this day, I have very little respect for this particular division of human beings!

Love letters-Unsent

2008-05-14T20:13:00.009+05:30

Dearest,

Remember the time we spoke about nothing?

Remember the times we stared at the clear night sky and saw each other's faces up there in the stars?

Remember the times when you gave me roses for no reason?

Do you remember to keep reminding yourself of the good times?

Seems like there are no more 'times' anymore least of all the good ones.

Of all the couples that could have had an amazing life together, we could have been the most successful. We used to often dream together. We used to have the same nightly dreams of holding each other tight.

Even if I think of you each day, I can say for sure that there are days that pass by for you without me even peeping in your thoughts.I guess you just found something else to love.

Things are so strained now.

I have fallen in love, again. I wanted to let you know this. I have fallen in love with this stranger. He keeps me company most nights. He is undemanding and most of all, loves me too. We have now grown inseparable.

I am sorry I am leaving you for him now.

I am now in love with him, my loneliness.

Goodbye, my love.

-the half of you that never was.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This is a part of a Series I am planning to write: Love letters-Unsent. Love letters that are fictional written for fictional characters.

Please feel free to suggest me of a few scenarios that I can work on.

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T13:26:00.010+05:30

All I have ever known is my mum's love. My sister was more like my dad's pet. Dad and I were never that close. I never left mum's palloo(translated:saree's end), mum says. I was a pain in her neck most times.

A lot of mum's friends have admired her patience to be saddled with me all the time. And, I wasn't really a feather when I was a baby. I was 3.9 kilos at birth only to increase steadily. Yet mum cared for me, so much so that my sister thinks mum always favoured me a bit. But, I have never known a soul who loves everybody just the same.

In all my twenty-one years there was never a period of time that I wanted to be away from her.

Its your smile I seek

Its your tears I dread

I have slammed doors

I have skipped lunches

I am sorry for everything

Also thankful for everything.

I have a horrible habit of skipping lunch/dinner if I am mad at mum. I can throw big tantrums(something that I am not really proud of) Maybe I am really mad at you mum, cos you never gave me those dimples of yours while you gave it to Gaya(my sister).

I am here posting this to tell you that I really love you, that each time I skip a meal I know it hurts you, I am sorry a million times over for that. I promise you, ma, that I will not skip another meal just so I can see those wonderful dimples of yours!

Again, ma you are the best mum in the whole wide world. Your grown daughters are best proof for that.

This post does not end here! :D

I have another sweet mum in my life that I want everyone to know about. Thats, technically my dad's mum. My Paati. Well, words are never enough if I have to describe the incredible person that she is!

She is a total sweetheart. She would never say this out loud but I am her favourite grand-daughter!(Well, sorry dear sister and cousins I guess you people think that too but I know it!) :D

The reason is that I resemble her son a lot. In appearance and my behaviour she sees her son grow up all over again.

She is the person who cries in award functions when I am on the stage. I don't know what to say to console her but she cries. She is the one woman who will be proud of me even if its not really something great! I love you so much Paati! I am the only grandchild of hers who has the nerve to call her by her name and manage to get away with it! (Ha!)

Again, if you thought this post is going to end, you are mistaken. No mother's day post is ever complete without introducing you people to the youngest mum in the world. She became my mum when she was 4 years 9 months and 1 day old. Someone who protects me like I am a delicate nymph. The only soul who is also my best friend and who has known me like no other.

Here is someone who made me realise that I am a beautiful person both inside and out. If ever anyone asks me who is the most beautiful woman on earth, I would immediately say, "Gayathri!". She is the softest person I have ever met. I have never till date heard her scolding me for any reason whatsoever.

This mother's day is doubly special for her because now she is a mother too.

Thats all folks! I am so darn proud of all these wonderful women who have raised me and made me what I am today.I can only hope I will be half as good a mother as any of you darlings.

Love you! Cheers!

Here is wishing all the mothers in the world a very happy mother's day.

Live it, don't Leave it

2008-05-09T02:25:00.003+05:30

What is it like to take ones's life?Have you ever wondered how you would feel when you stopped breathing? I have tried that when I was much younger out of curiosity. I used to bury my face in a pillow and hold my breathe to see how long I lasted. Now that incident brings a smile to my face.

I have often wondered where do all the dead people go to. Do they get to experience the happiness that never was with them while they lived? Do they really get the chance to see all those places that they missed out on? Is there a place called Heaven? Well, I am the kind who doesn't believe in a separate place called Hell. I feel Hell is what we make for ourselves. The things that we do that make us hate our lives, now thats Hell.

But, the beauty of life is in the battle for it. Only when a person has truly experienced grief can he appreciate happiness. I have read Keshi's post on depression and it reminded me of my own battles with my life.
Did you know that it takes much more courage to live your life than take it away?

I am not an overtly optimistic person. Hell, I can be as hard as a diamond sometimes. The realisation of what really matters to a person is what makes him/her live. One of the lessons I have learnt in the twenty one years that I have lived is that Life is unfair. Oh! I have lost a lot trying to learn that. Like they say, when you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Here is to life! The bitch that we have thrust in our faces!The best we can do is to keep going at it.
I hope I made some sense there. Keshi's post shook me enough to write something that I had bottled up.

Sorry

2008-05-07T15:35:00.005+05:30

"I am not able to get over the fact that you were with another girl. It hurts. I know you love me and I know that we were not together when that happened. But, you left me for her. You thought that someone meant more to you than me. You did things that I would have liked you to do for me, but she was at the receiving end of it. You whispered those three words in to the night to her, while I spent those nights looking at shooting stars wishing for you. You have wiped away her tears while mine just flowed as they always have. You have told me thats she was there for you when you needed her while I stood there aghast at the shock of it all.

I tried to change my life upside down just so you would be comfortable, it was astonishing to know that she did not have to do anything at all. She was perfect for you? I was a loser. I was holding the phone to my ear that night and hanging on to it like it was a lifeline long after you hung up telling me that you did not need me anymore. When all of that happened to me you were basking in the happiness of new found love.

Yet, today you say that you love me. That you have always loved me. That you have never known what it is to be loved until you met me. That what you had with her was a sham. That she did not match up to me. Is that supposed to make me feel better? What I see now is an experiment gone bad. An experiment run at the risk of breaking my heart. It could have healed if you had wanted it to heal. You have played not with one but two women here. One who believed that you were everything for her and the other one who wanted to give you everything.

There you stand alone, having broken two hearts but still feeling sorry for yourself. No care but for yourself. You are the victim we are the perpetrators.
I am sorry."

Why are men so confused?
Why is it difficult for them to understand that we have needs too?

I don't mean this post in a men-bashing kinda way. I like men. I have had wonderful examples of men in my life. This incident really shook me. Left me wondering, why?

P.S: Something I wrote as an adaptation of a story thats true.

Hollow

2008-04-23T23:25:00.006+05:30

Threadbare
Tired
About to collapse
I fight
I yearn
And mourn

This battle for love
Has left my heart sore
Dare I continue?
Only to be
Pierced with the
Knife of Disappointment.

Puzzled
Perplexed
I stand.
Am I deserving?
My cheeks burn
WIth tears hot.

Are you ashamed?
Of taking my hand?
Is my love blemished?
Answer me.
Let me answer myself.
Oh! Please.

I'm left alone.
I'm loved, I'm told.
Can't feel.
Now I know
How it feels
To be hollow.

Image courtesy: deviantART

Right to Sight

2008-04-23T00:48:00.004+05:30

Here is something that a very good friend of mine sent me a linkie to.

I am sure anyone with a heart will blink back tears or try and swallow the lump in their throats!

I'd really like to hear what you have to say after watching the video. :)

I must be L(cr)azy!!!

2008-04-22T01:18:00.004+05:30

Its been a while since I wrote something personal. I mean yeah, this blog is personal but what I meant to say is that I haven't written a "me" post in a long long time. All I filled up this place with are stories and silly verses that came to my head.

Somewhere along the past few days I have begun to realise that I am not taking my life as seriously as I am supposed to be taking it. Maybe I am just too cocky and too confident! I am not putting enough work when I should be. Thinking about stuff that can be put on a hold! Wasting my time watching comedy re-runs and soppy movies, reading leisurely when I am supposed to be cramming for my Practical Exams. I don't know why nothing is bothering me! Its not a nice feeling, this! I know that I will feel guilty about all this waste of time later. But, I am the kinda gal who doesn't allow herself to feel guilty thinking that there is no time to feel guilty! (Go figure!!)

I practically live on the edge and am so freakishly sure of myself that I will not fall! Half of me keeps expecting that huge fall which will break each arrogant bone in my body! Its the same half of me which prays and hopes that someday I will have enough sense not to procastinate.

This post is another sham, you know? Another excuse in a long list, another reason to laze around! Gosh! If I were to look at my own life living outside my body I would die of Hypertension.(Speaking of which I am supposed to go and study the Epidemiology of HTN for my practicals boohoo!)

Sometimes I feel I don't deserve the success(that I eventually get *rolling eyes*) after the little work I put in! Its like I'm sub-consciously waiting for something to break and fall on my arrogant head!

This should not stop you people from wishing me luck alright? Even if you feel that I don't deserve it just throw it my way, wontcha?
Shamelessly cheerful, so cheers!

The new blog and other short stories

2008-04-13T00:06:00.003+05:30

Well I guess the title says it all!
I started another blog. Now, I can picturise various responses to that sentence.

Life was sad as it is, reading this dumpyard now there is some more garbage from the same source?
Oh! You too? *rolling eyes*
So what? Its just another blog. Just another piece of evidence to how jobless you are!
Oh! You too? *smiles*
*yawn*
I am counting till ten before I click on the tiny red cross at the top.
I wonder what thats about?

I have an answer only for the last response sadly! I wanted to start writing a lil more seriously. Try and hone my writing skills.

Paper. Pencil. Stat! Now, thats the name of my other blog!

Have just started it and I shall start writing in couple of days!

Cheers!

PS:There are no other short stories. I just liked the way the title sounded!

"Hung up"

2008-04-10T22:22:00.004+05:30

Disclaimer: The following piece is purely fictional. Yada yada yada.
The last text message she sent to him read something like this.
"I have made other plans, hon. I so wanted to meet you tomorrow but then you seem really busy so I will just catch up with my girl friends instead. I did this to prevent myself from being disappointed yet again!"
She had her reasons for having sounded like that. She never got to meet him anymore. He was just too busy. He hadn't replied but that was just as well.
That was a couple of days back. She tries calling him up for the 57th time. Its the same mechanical message saying that the customer has switched off his phone.

Worry nags at her. There is a storm in her heart and a whirlpool of acids in her stomach. What if something happened to him? Then a voice trying to placate her saying that his battery must have run out on him. What if he met with an accident? She started picturising what she didn't even dream about. Then the same voice, getting progressively feeble by the moment chiding her not to be such a pessimist.

She tries the phone yet again. Same response. Tears pool in her eyes and the voice is not heard anymore. She bites her lip and wills the tears from spilling over.

She calls everyone and anyone who would know his wherabouts but to no avail. Now she starts scolding herself for having been so hurtful in the last text message she sent him. Oh! How she hopes that was not the last!

After deciding that if he hasn't called her by sunrise she would go to his apartment searching for him, she forces herself to swallow the plateful of her favourite dish that her mother made so lovingly. She gives up on that too. Knowing well that sleep will evade her tonight she closes her eyes.
"Come, stop your crying it'd be all right
Just take my hand, hold it tight......"
Oh! The sound she wanted to hear the past few days! Was she dreaming? Is that really him calling her?
"Oh! Honey..."
She sobs and all those unshed tears just roll down in a stream.
Everything is fine.

shrug

2008-04-07T07:28:00.005+05:30

I sit down to write, paper and pencil in hand. Knowing that my writing will release me. But, I guess peace of mind and that of my heart is not meant to be. Words fail me. I know I'm not sad because my sadness would tumble out in the form of verses. I'm not happy either as my happiness would write a new story. So what is this? Some sort of unknown ghost I choose to fight with my pencil?

Words have always comforted me. The words I have spoken to allay my grief. The words my friends have used to make me feel better. The words I have chosen to explain situations so as to save people from hurt.

Most of all, the words I have written to ease my pain. These words are my assets. The only thing I have got is the gift to use them.

"You have a way with words." A frequently used sentence. Each time I heard it I have had a smile on my face.

Thinking about this, I come back to my initial state of turmoil. As I look at this page, I see words scribbled in my small handwriting. But is it comforting now? I feel that it is just some sort of meaningless mumble which has filled a space.

At the end of it all, I am dismayed. Horrfied even, that words don't comfort me as before!

Am I a fool to think something like that? That mere alphabets thrown together would be some sort of elixir for this harried soul?

Or, Have I lost it? My way with words? I can syill feel the grey cloud over me. The feeling which is not happiness of grief.

On a really satirical note, this has turned out to be :"The epitome of Nothing."

PS: I did write this down on a piece of paper. My apologies for wasting your time over nothing!

Image courtesy: deviantART

Now Playin': Let Go by Frou Frou.

A Memoir

2008-03-29T06:27:00.000+05:30

I was tagged by Impressionist to write a memoir in six words. After much brain-racking and spending sleepless hours finding the right words, I was shocked at how simple it turned out to be! So here it goes.

Akila Ramachandran: A memoir in six words.

Of caffeine highs and vodka blues.

Thats about it! ;)
I now tag everyone on my blogroll. That will be interesting. :D

Time to get back to ENT(ear, nose and throat for those who wonder) which is my first exam on the first!
Cheers!

Hush...!

2008-03-15T14:08:00.010+05:30

The pale blue curtains were dancing to the melody the breeze seemed to play. It was a day when the sun was found to be shining down happiness on the world. The light shimmered into the room on her and coaxed her to look at the beauty around her. She woke up with a smile on her face. That was how life was these days. Smiles came easily without any reason at all it seemed. Oh, she had a reason! She pinched herself at times just to check if it were true. This can't be happening. Life can't be this nice! She just tried and convinced herself that everything was right. She was happy and thats all that matters. He was everything to her. She thought she was lucky to have found him. Or they were lucky to have found each other, she thought with a grin.

What a lovely morning, he thought to himself as he walked down the lane to get the day's paper. The world seemed like a better place these days. He had a smile for the tea vendor where he had his morning cuppa. As he sipped from the small glass the conversation was all cheery about how the new budget. For once, he wasn't his usual skeptic self and spared the vendor his sarcasm. Seriously, nothing seems that bad! Or he must be going nuts. If he really was turning crazy then it was a way to go! He collected the morning paper and his thoughts and left feeling refreshed. This feeling was becoming really familiar now. He was getting used to feeling good. He couldn't believe that he was feeling this way. And the reason was her.

She did not remember the last decent meal she had. She did not care much. Sleep was elusive and so was her sanity. It was raining outside, the sky all cloudy, grey and matching her mindset. The past few days were dissolved in a haze. The last and only thing she remembered was his face. How she had stood there on the porch and he had uttered those words that resulted in her present state. The worst part is that she understood. She understood why he had said what he did and why she had deserved it. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't hers either. Things had happened in such a way that were beyond their doing. Fate had played such a cruel game with them. She just nodded to herself. There was nothing she could do.

He woke up with a horrible pounding sensation in his temples. What time was it? It was almost noon and the raindrops on his window had shaken him awake. Their pace seemed to match the pulsating arteries in his head. Slowly, he traced back to the previous night he had spent getting drunk. He hated himself now, for thinking alcohol would wipe the pain. He was stronger than this. How could he be so weak that he thought drinking was a solution to forget her. The only thing he could see was her doe-like eyes blinking back tears. She had turned and left silently after he had told her that it was all over now. That they should take different paths from now on. That they just weren't meant to be. He could not believe that she wasn't going to be there anymore. Thats what he had been trying to forget. There was nothing he could do.

She had a good job now and she was quite used to taking care of herself. She realised she was smiling as a small snow flake settled on her nose. It melted away. Winter was here and life just seemed plain and white like the snow on the streets. Not colourful but not grey either. She still dreamt of being in his arms like she was the last winter. She remembered the moments they had spent in each others company without shedding a tear. It was a wonderful memory which still managed to turn the corners of her lips upwards. In the heart of her hearts she was still with him. She still thought of him and longed to be with him again. Her friends had warned her about it. The sweet souls who had been with her through the rough times. She knew they meant well but she still was with him. If they happened to read her thoughts at such moments they wouldn't approve. He is a thing of your past, they said. She just shook her head and welcomed those memories yet again.

Looking outside his window which gave him a breath-taking view of the city covered in snow, he relaxed. His facial muscles just loosened up. He did not realise how taut they must be after all his concentration on the numbers that needed to be tallied. He eased back in his chair and stretched. He thought of the evening ahead. A long evening, alone. He was no stranger to feeling that way. He did not dread the flashes of his past seeping into his head anymore. He even ventured deeper and thought about all the sweet nothings they had shared. Though, logic got the better of him and he shut himself to her memories. It did not help. Sometimes, he felt like reaching for the phone and dialling her number. He just knew she wouldn't have changed her number like she wouldn't have changed what she thought of him. He thought of all the well-wishers who had restrained him from calling her. He made himself believe that they made sense when he really knew that he just wanted to call her.

Time is a powerful healer. It is slow, yes, but potent.

A phone call, in the middle of the night. She was just about to sleep when all of a sudden her heart started beating faster. Even before looking at the screen she sould tell it was him. She just knew it.
"Hello?"
"Were you asleep?"
"No."
"I just wanted to say, hi."
"Oh! Hi."
"Its still the same."
"What?"
"The effect. The way my blood races when I hear your voice."
"Some things don't change."
"I know. But, have you?"
"The question is pointless."
"I know."
(silence)
"I think I'll hang up then."
(some more silence)
"Good night."
"Good night, honey."
The smile could be heard in her voice. He let out a sigh of relief. It was like so much had happened yet it felt like only yesterday they were smiling for the same reason. Each other.

No matter what the world says, the heart does what it will do anyway. There is no point fighting it.
Love does not have to be proclaimed by mere words. The silence can be so deafening when it shouts out the way one feels.

Back to Bedlam

2008-02-25T14:51:00.004+05:30

Here comes the time of the year when all is not well in my world.

Exams!

All i do is study or pretend to! Sometimes i wonder what on earth made me take up medicine! :(

Too late to think about that now!

So this post is to say i will not be here for another month or more.

Will miss this place and all my lovely friends.

I desperately need all the luck i can get so please don't forget to wish me!

Not very cheery! :(

A quest forever

2008-02-21T05:11:00.002+05:30

A stroll in the park in his neighbourhood. This evening was different. It was so beautiful. Such a refreshing change from the cold grey evenings. There is something in the air, he thought. Thats what makes it so special. Its still cold but there is a warm tinge to it. He smiled to himself. A smile. After such a long time, it seemed like a stranger to him. A stranger that he so wanted to meet, but that which kept evading him. He welcomed it with a hint of pleasure. Thank Goodness! He had the sense to get out after such a terrible day at work.

She had had enough! The urge to break free was overwhelming. The weather seemed so lovely outside and here she was stuck with the batch of vegetables which needed to be chopped. She willed herself to finish it soon and leave. A breathe of fresh air would do her some good. How long has it been since she had a little time for herself? Between college, cooking and cleaning she barely had time to eat and sleep. She did not loathe her life, just accepted it for what it was. Her poor mum needed her. Who was she to deny it? She longed to get out once in a while. To be like any other girl, put on some make-up, look good, enjoy some attention! Stop thinking, she chided herself. Finish the work so you can get out. After a few minutes she was ready to get out. Grab what she deserved for once. Put on a pair of sneakers and left.

The backache wasn't easing. He could not see as clearly as before. The doctor had advised that an evening walk but do him some good. He put on his muffler and set out with his walking stick. He longed for her company again. How she used to insist that he wear the monkey cap because its so cold out there. How she insisted that she would come walking too and take ages to get ready! But she wasn't here. He still thanked God that her cancer did not give her much pain. She passed on happily and thats all he had asked for. He shrugged the memory away and walked on, one diffficult step at a time.

Tears came easily to her these days. For a woman of her strength, tears seemed to belittle her. She hated being so weak. The past few days were something she wouldn't have imagined even in her worst nightmares. Falling in love with him was easy enough. A blissful married life with him was all she dreamt of. It had been a bliss, like a tiny spell of drizzle before a storm. It had all ended. The marriage a sham, his love a pretense, her life now a joke. But she wasn't the one to laugh at herself. She held her head high because she was never the one to let anyone else rule her life. How could she have tolerated his abuse this long? Love, she answered herself. The one thing that makes you do things you wouldn't have thought of doing otherwise. She was determined not to let those dark thoughts evade her again. A walk would give her something to do with the negative energy within her.

They jogged towards the park. Strangers, but not quite. A look of wariness passed between them. It was never like this before. Conversations were easier to flow. Now they just revolved around supper plans, grocery shopping and thier children's school. Life set them on a difficult career path, giving them little time for each other. This jog was a part of everyday tasks too. A duty to remain fit in order to live better. Living better? For what? To earn more money and to make a nice living. Again for what? A loveless existence? Questions unanswered, just weigh them down. They jog on. A mile more to go.

Sitting on the park bench, a couple snuggled closer and held hands. What a lovely way to spend time? The time sped by as they sat looking into each others eyes. All they saw was the love refelcted in those pools of warmth. There they sat weaving dreams of the future, of the wonderful things they had to look forward to, of many more such evenings spent together.

"Work, work and work! I have spent the past decade of my life doing that. Where is the time for a snuggle? Time? Who do i have that i can share that with?"

"Hmmm. Someday i would be sitting there. I only wish this prince comes along and takes me away from all my burdens."

"Bhanumathi used to love that bench."

"Yeah right! Its all beautiful and rosy now. Wait till he tells you that he doesn't love you. For your sake, dear girl i hope he tell you that sooner than later!"

"That used to be us not so very long ago."

Peep-hole!

2008-02-08T03:41:00.001+05:30

Here are a few of my pictures. They are all taken at different times of my life and they are some of my favourite. I felt like sharing them. They don't even hold a candle to those pictures of some amazing photographers on my blogroll(--xh--, Prashant Bharadwaj, Kuttibalu, Anand, JJ to name a few!) but here they are anyways. :)

Titled:Moonrise. I loved the cloud which appears like a streak across the moon. :)

Titled:City Lights. A better view of Necklace Road by the night from my terrace.

Titled:Red Green Yellow. Was enchanted by the deep red of this unknown fruit.

Titled:Doorathu Pachai Kannuku Kulurchi(this translated in English means: Greenery that is seen from far is soothing for the eye, used in the same context as The Grass is Greener on the other side!)(I know! Silly me!) Picture taken from a bus. :)

Titled:Periya Koil. I loved this pic. My amateur amateur photography at its best! lol. I especially liked the tree that comes in the way.

Titled:Love Green. I never knew i could love the colour green. This picture was taken on the 2MP camera of my phone.

Cheers!

A walk in the rain

2008-02-06T01:43:00.001+05:30

Thoughts match the weather,

Shades of grey and gloom.

I walk on carrying the burden,

Getting heavier by the moment.

What is it? Can't seem to,

Place a finger on it!

Am I lonely? Not really.

Am I sad? Not exactly.

Who is it? Can't seem to,

Point anybody out!

Is it them? Who laugh?

Is it those? Who sneer?

Nothing bothers me now,

Not even my cloudy thoughts.

No one touches me now,

Not even the loudest of laughs.

A sudden ray of warmth,

A beautiful shade of yellow.

The sun rises, blankness sets.

My burden lightens, as do I.

Apple of my eyes

2008-02-03T22:15:00.002+05:30

"Akki Chitthi!! Akki Chitthi!!
You are home! Mama, look! Akki Chitthi is home!"
A pair of clear joyful eyes looking up to meet me, those lovely eyes filled with happiness and utter excitement at meeting her aunt. Those chubby hands on my thighs expecting me to carry her and hold her. Those little feet jumping all around me, so glad that her favourite aunt is home.

I set aside my bags and go to her, to meet her sweet, warm embrace which has the usual undefinable baby aroma about it. She holds me tight and shows me just how much she has missed me, just how many little stories about her adventures have missed my patient listening-to, just how lovely it is to have the one person who spoils her rotten to be back.

She starts on an a story about how this boy from play group is the most annoying person on earth. How that boy pulled away the clay doll she especially made for her Akki Chitthi!(How dare he?!) Well, my little tyke did not leave it at that. She fought back and snatched it from him and told him,"Its bad of you to take if it is not yours". Awwww! The sweetheart remembers all the things i tell her.

Her happiest days are those when both of us get all dirty in the mud trying to plant little baby trees which will give beautiful flowers one day."I am more booty-full right, Akki Chitthi?", she asks. "Of course, my dear." She hears what she wanted to here the most. Her happiest nights are when i sing tamil lullabies that i grew up listening to. She asks,"Did paatti sing so well Chitthi?". "Oh, she was the best singer in the whole wide world darling." I catch this hint of sadness in her face missing her paatti, who she wishes were here too, along with Akki Chitthi.Then when its nap-time she comes running to my room instead of hers, fully equipped with her pillow and blanket,"Akki Chitthi! You forgot! Where is my story?" This she asks me with a petulance only capable of her. Such a sweet darling she is.

Even before she was born i went shopping for her. I searched and i searched and all i found was this pair of pink booties which looked like they were meant for a little girl who was loved so much. I could not buy anything else that she wouldn't have already. So the booties were in my bag before long. I wanted those to be her first pair of shoes, partly because i have an obsession with footwear and i wanted to rub it on her too.(lol!)

I always wanted a baby girl for my sister. A neice who would be so spoilt that God! every little girl wishes she had an aunt like me. :D She would want her aunt to teach her stuff, to tell her stories so she can sleep dreaming of them, to make little cartoony drawings of her aunt and her, to tell her aunt how was it like to have a crush on a boy for the first time and to share every shopping spree with!(She knows atleast a few dresses will be sponsored by her doting aunt!)

I want to be there by her side when she goes through everything. Her first exam that she aced, her first bicycle ride, her first tennis match that she obviously won, her first hearbreak and her first going-away-from-home-on-a-short-trip.

"Akki Chitthi! What are you dreaming about?"A punch on my shoulder with her little pudgy hands. "Oh, nothing dear!" Reality beckons! She wants me to drop her off at her play group.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
P.S: The girl who calles me Akki Chitthi is my neice Akshaya who is just 11 days old.

Translator: Chitthi=aunt, mother's younger sister; paatti:Grandma

Oh! For pity's sake!

2008-02-02T19:23:00.001+05:30

The other side of pity.
This incident got me thinking so much about 'pity'.
Mum and I went to the market one evening. We saw an old lady who was dressed in rags sitting by the road, selling old audio cassettes which she must have picked up from some place or maybe the local garbage bin.

Mum: I wonder what she makes out of that sale?
Me : I don't know ma. Does anyone even buy those?
Mum: Poor lady!
Me : Does she need your pity ma?
(I don't know what made me say that all of a sudden. The reaction was too quick.)
Mum: (thoughtful look) Don't start on one of your "talks" Akki, please!

Lol. Mum hates the thinking me.

So, here i am, thinking about 'pity'.
Did that old lady really need it? What she needed most was the money, even if it was just a meagre rupee out of the honest work she was doing. What could sympathy have bought her? A handful of rice? A cup of tea? But there are all kinds of people clicking their tongues or shaking their heads at her sorry state. Is her state really that sorry? Can you see that sad look on her face? There she is with her head held high doing what she is supposed to do, living her life, working for it.
My mum meant well and am sure so did anybody who passed by that lady. But thats not what she was after. No honest person needs anyone's sympathy. Not even from their closest ones least of all from a passer-by on the street.

So whats the whole concept about handing out something that no self-respecting person would want? Why does the average human heart feel that somebody else needs him/her? Deep down they do know that they are helpless because they cannot do anything productive to ease somebody's burden. Then why do they go ahead and go all mushy about how pathetic the opposite person appears?
I feel sympathy is another cheap commodity. It comes almost free-of-cost and no one wants it!

While that is one end of the bean-pole, at the very bottom of it lies another perverse chain of deeds.

This world is home to people who are like snow-flakes. Each comes in a different pattern. There are people who live off pity. These are those who mooch the attention that a few benevolent souls hand out to them. The ramblers who go on and on about how unfair their life is, how poorly understood they are, how difficult things are. They get all the mercy in the world which can fill up outer space yet cry that no one has any mercy at all! They are the ones who haven't an honest bone in their body, who don't realise that there lies a strength with them too which only needs to be harnessed, who just cry that they can but they are just not able to!
My heart-felt sympathies go out to such people for being in that sorry state.

What i really admire about the human soul is its ability to sense a connection with a fellow-soul. I thought of social workers and all those people who volunteer for disasters or for old-age homes and orphanages. I wondered if what they felt was pity for the one suffering? I don't think so any longer. The reason they do what they do is because they have this capacity to give. To be able to productively put in some effort to ease a person in pain. Its not pity that drives them. Its the sense of purpose and feeling of satisfaction they get out of a good deed done.

I felt much better at the end of my musings. For if i were in pain, i would not want a person showing me his pity written all over his face but would really appreciate a dose of pain-killer to end it.

"My eyes are wet
Am sad, you bet!
Nothing to worry,
Don't be sorry!
Not pity I ask,
Take off the mask!"

I made a promise to myself then. That i wouldn't feel sorry for somebody, for i would not want anybody feeling sorry for me. My pity will not work but my helpful deed will. If i cannot do something to help them then i am no one to pity them. I will not treat a soul the way i would not like to be treated.

Pretense

2008-02-01T19:39:00.001+05:30

Seas of people,

Oceans of emptiness.

Little hands reach out

Eyes scream for help

Fragile heart on its sleeve

Only for them to break.

Hugs without warmth,

Words of comfort strewn.

Smiles which don't

Touch their speech.

Cold promises made

Only to be forgetten.

Life goes on,

They move on.

Garnished with those shards,

Tempered with these tears,

Serenaded is their pretense

With these whimpering sobs.

Shards mended, tears dried,

Sobs quitened, the child gone.

Embittered, does she pretend?

She does, pretends saying

They care, that she matters,

That they love and she knows.

I wrote this on a cold winter's night. Though i don't feel that anguish anymore i think it was one of my most spontaneous works.

Thanjai: A Love Story

2008-01-29T22:27:00.002+05:30

Hmmm. This is a typical Bollywood love story.

Boy meets girl. Girl hates boy. Girl gives a second chance. Falls in love. Happily ever after.

Thats exactly what happened to me.

I fell in love. Oh! Did i fall hard or what?

So what the hell am i talking about?

I fell in love with Thanjai aka Thanjavur otherwise known as Tanjore(in English).

When i was a little girl i used to dread the prospect of visiting my aunt who stays there. Somehow my irritation for cockroaches and other such insects bred this hatred to that place. I always used to associate cockroaches with it!

Then, 15 years later, my impromptu visit to this place happened. On a beautiful breezy night i stepped on this lovely land again just to immerse myself into its beauty. Just as i got down that bus i felt this pleasant blanket of warmth around me. Asthough someone was waiting for me all the while, just to show me what i hadn't seen before, to show me what i did not understand before, to show me whats not to fall in love with it?

The temples. I have always been religious and this is a treat to any soul who believes in God. Thanjavur Periya Kovil is the best temples i have ever visited thus far. The temple was built by RajarajaSozhan(of the Chola dynasty) for Lord Shiva. The deity is a Shivalingam which is a massive 11 feet tall. As soon as i entered the inner sanctum i was filled with this lovely feeling which was a mixture of respect, awe and devotion. There is a big Nandi idol right outside the temple(as goes with every Shiva temple). According to the folklore, the Nandi keeps growing and they had to drive a nail into its head to stop it from growing! I don't know if thats true but my love for it just kept growing from that moment.

I do look like i'm in love, right? :D

The food. They say Brahmins are born to eat. Thats the amount of respect and love they have for good food. The kazillion restaurants in Melaveedhi! They range from little tiffin centres to big posh restaurants but they do flourish. I had a gala feast just on Dosai and Sambhar. There is this thing called Baadam Pal(Almonds in milk garnished with saffron) which is served warm. I found a cure for my insomnia in it! :D

The people. They come in different shapes, colours and sizes but that so not what i am talking about. They have this attitude that i liked. I-have-got-work-of-my-own-so-i-don't-care kinda attitude. They go about minding their own business and i liked it. They seemed honest and warm.

Love love. Thats all i cant think of! How could i have been so blind to this? How could i have claimed to hate it? How could i have wrinkled my nose at the thought of visiting it? Now i am so happy. I have this smile that cannot be wiped off if i think of it!

Well, thats love, innit?

*sigh* I should stop going gaga and actually get a grip!

There! My love story! A repfreshing change from the grey monotous life that i was living. A splash of vibrant manjal(yellow!)

Cheers!

There is a time for everything, all in its own time!

2008-01-11T18:40:00.001+05:30

Thats what this new year has taught me. That no matter how soon you want things to happen, they won't until we wait it out! I have waited and so have all my lovely friends for me to get back.
I'm back!

Before i start this year's ramblings, i think i should thank all those people who have bestowed on me such wonderful awards. I thank you all for remembering to award me, it makes me feel really good that i mean atleast that much! :)

Firstly, i was awarded with the Blogger of the World 2007-08 by Sameera , --xh-- , Kuttibalu and the 'Mad" Orchid.

I am so proud and happy. :) Need i say that? I'd love to pass this award to all the bloggers on my blogroll, if you haven't got this award already!

Secondly, I was awarded Inspiring Blog award by Lena. :) Trust her to do something as wonderful as that! :) :D

Thirdly, i was given the Rockin' Girl Blogger award by two of my very sweet blogger friends, the 'Mad' Orchid and Preetilata.

I would like to give this award to Ameya(If you haven't got it already*fingers crossed*), Lavanya and Kavitha. I guess all you other gals on my blogroll have it already!

Lastly, i haven't figured out how or why but i was also given this(!) by the 'Mad' Orchid.Thats so so so sweet of you dear girl! :)
Lastly(but hopefully not the least), here is my turn to do something for all m beautiful blogger buddies! :) To give away love is much more gratifying than receiving.

This is what i want to give away to all those on my blogroll! Some of you are my good friends, some of you are my old friends(as good as old wine they say!), some of you are people whose work i admire and ALL of you are jolly good people, i am sure! :) Thats a high-five for being a part of my world, for dropping by and commenting on my posts, for making blogging a very good experience to me! Am sure, some of you don't even know me, but hey you don't need to know somebody to tell this right?? I hope you accept my humble gift. :)

Then a few more.
To Lena,

Thats what i knew you as, thats what i will always think of you. You are special dear girl!

To Sameera and Preetilata,

Well, one thing that never ceased to amaze me was the talent you girls have in you! Love the poems you write which are just small tokens which promise a very beautiful person inside. :)

To Anand and Shashi,

You guys are dreamers in your own right! Both so different yet always brought a smile to my face. I hope you like it!

To Bubbles, Vandita, Neeraja, Mads and Ameya,
Should i add more to that? ;)

Well, Divs i have something for you too, should you come back to active blogging that is!! :x

What a post that was, eh? I couldn't have thought of a better way to start the first post of the year than that!! :)

Cheers!!
And keep bloggin'!!

Where am I?

2007-12-31T02:26:00.001+05:30

Thats the question that i have to answer now, not only to all those sweet friends of mine who want to see me back in bloggerville but also to myself.

I am still alive, breathing, eating, sleeping and all other vital signs are quite normal i guess! I can't say i'm doing great when i'm not.
Well, i'm not feeling great because of the goddamn internet connection which just plain died on me! *foul angry look*
Otherwise, i'm ok. Passing each painful day with the good intention of wanting to study but accomplishing nothing! :( Oh, i have my exams in the first week of january!(Now you know why i'm not that keen on 'celebrating' new years)

This will probably be my last post this year! :( *sigh*

I promised all my friends in my post this month(Blessed!) that i would give them a little something on the dawn of new years but i'm really sorry guys! I did not dream that my internet would zonk this way. :(
So, please wait another couple of days. My sincere-most apologies to you and just-as-sincere curses to that internet provider of mine.(Sify Broadband, i officially hate you! Hence, the change to Reliance)

Heres wishing a Very Happy New Year to all you people coated with extra doses of my love, luck and laughter! I hope you have a very yellow-mellow year ahead. ;)

Cheers!!

Deliver me

2007-12-23T19:22:00.001+05:30

A red screen across my eyes,
Blinded by anger I stand.
Anger at my own self,
For not having stopped them.
I pay for my sins,
I beg for salvation,
I wash away yesterday,
Only to welcome them again.

You were here with me,
Kissing them away.
You are gone today,
I let them touch my cheek.
You won't ever be there,
I will them to stop.
Let me go so I can let them go.

Chasing me are these shadows,
I run, run for dear life!
Can't wallow in this misery,
I have begun to enjoy it!
Lo! No one deserves to.
My feet are giving away,
Just let me run a li'l further.

I look back, only to find you
Two steps behind. Pain spears
Through my heart, amuses me.
That I can feel any at all.
Hurt is the name of the game
I am too tired to play.
Is a smile the prize to who wins?

After all its been through,
My heart still cherishes you.
The wonder that you are.
Wounded, scarred and abused,
It still lets you in.
Places you in that throne,
Which can only ever be yours.

Anger is all I feel now,
For never walking away,
For letting you be serenaded,
For trying to run but failing,
For writing words that draw
Me closer to the love I crave for.
For not having stopped them.

My world through my eyes

2007-12-21T01:21:00.001+05:30

I was gifted with a digital camera for my 21st birthday by my precious sister.
There is this saying in tamil.
"Korangu kayile poo maalai"
That translated in English means, "A flower garland in the hands of a monkey."
Well, what i mean to say through that is that a monkey doesn't know what to do with a flower garland and just does whatever comes to its mind.

Here is what i did with my digicam!

thats Necklace Road(go figure!) from my balcony.

Thats the busiest part of the city! Old city, Hyderabad. :)

My view of Charminar. See the flags? Thats the Spirit of Hyderabad.

"United we Stand, Divided we Fall."

Thats Mecca Masjid. I just love the feel of the place. Serene and calm. Who would have guessed there was a bomb blast there a few months ago?

Enough of my photographic skills(or lack of, i should say!).

Cheers! :)

I Find Happiness in..

2007-12-17T23:58:00.001+05:30

The title says it all. I have been thinking a lot about happiness and how it evades me these days.

I try to be happy for a few days at a stretch only to find some dark shadows engulfing me all over again. What i have not realised yet is how to be happy forever! Or so i thought!

There is nothing called happiness which lasts forever. There are always little grey blots of sadness on the paper called life. Only when we choose to overlook these little blots can we see happiness. :)

This corner

And that one.

In this crevice,

Underneath

That boulder.

I have searched,

And probed.

No happiness there!

When I wasn't

Looking, I feel

A pat on my shoulder.

Raised eyebrows,

I shake my head.

I then see,

A hint of happiness!

I wake up,

From a fitful sleep.

I curse my thoughts,

As my head pounds.

A kiss on my forehead.

My mother

Shows me happiness!

Silly banter,

Timeless chatter,

Giggles all around,

Worries don't matter.

In that blissful company,

While the sun shines

I find happiness!

Miles away,

Yet so close.

One phone call,

My heart leaps.

"I love you" she says,

My darlin' sister,

Thats happiness!

Who says we have to search for happiness? When you least expect it, it comes knocking on your door!

"Tap tap tap"

There! Its calling you. Feel it! :)

PS:This is my 50th post. What better way to mark such a milestone? :)

Akila ~Tag~ Ramachandran

2007-12-15T22:41:00.001+05:30

Thats the first time i have typed in my complete name in my blog!It sounds so confident and smart. So very far away from what i really am.

Yeah, you have read a million middle name tags so far, and here goes another one. This time i was tagged by Vands.

The Rules:

1. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

2. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.

3. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.

4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling the persons you have tagged that they’re tagged.

Most Indians, especially tamilians don't have a middle name. I am supposed to make one up for it and elaborate on that.

I go by my silly pen name anonme. I choose that as my middle name simply because it hasn't got that many alphabets in it! :D

A:Aspirer :)

I have always had this strong desire to achieve. Dream and makes those dreams come true! I have always wanted to become a doctor.

Thats just one part of it. I generally go after the things i want and don't rest till i get them. Determination and also a sense of foolhardiness that i will always get what i want.

This false belief that nothing is impossible to achieve makes failure a much harder thing for me to accept!

N:Nerd :D

I tend to get very technical about stuff. I give unnecessary explanations of little known facts, and i am quite proud of the fact that i know that, however silly that might be!

I donot wish to give examples for this one because i don't want people to call me a "Nerd"!

O:Obscurity :

Living in obscurity has been the theme of my life.

I always feel i am not good at anything i do. I don't suck. But i am not that great at the stuff i do, either! Whatever i do its just moderate.

I cant sing well, or dance, or paint well, or write well! Issues!!

N:Notorious :D

Thats one thing i am!

Just ask the poor people who see me day in and day out. The wise-cracks, rude jokes and satires i have at other's expense. Its a fun thing for me. I only do it with the people i like, mind you!

I am told i have a good sense of humour when i am in a good mood.

M:Moody :) ;)

Mood? Did i just mention good mood?

Wo-how! Mood swings are like my trademark. I don't know when or why or how they change. But they do and they are a reason for many a squabbles with myfriends. My family got used to it by now, but poor friends of mine!

E:Eclectic :)

I have always been a meandering soul. I don't believe in one particular school of thought. I have various tastes which keep changing from time to time.

My philosophies and thoughts all reflect multiple cultures. I am rather proud of the fact that i take only the good in everything that i see and hear.

Done!

Thats me Akila anonme Ramachandran. :)

Now i don't have as many people to tag, but i would like Ameya, Shashi and Prashant to do it! :)

Cheers!

Forage

2007-12-12T20:00:00.001+05:30

The world is too crowded
Life is full of
Unnecessary details.
Days are crammed
Nights too short.

My vision is blurred
Moving too fast
No one cares
No one sees
No one bothers.

I reach out
To no one,
Yet I yearn
For someone to
Care, see, bother.

I turn my back
Like everyone else
Only to find you
Looking at me.
That someone.

You look into
My eyes.
You see what
I don't, you
Understand.

I can't give in,
Or let you
Get closer,
I might dissolve
Myself in you.

I move away,
Alone in my path
Towards an end,
Only I can see.
Please, let me.

I return to the
Rush, the life I
Wanted to step
Out of, refreshed,
That I found you.

Someone who
Is a part of me,
I can keep forever.
My deeds reflect the
Beauty that you are.

My little blessing,
The gift I chose to
Discard, the
Heart I broke with
The shards of my own.

Just a post!

2007-12-09T23:44:00.002+05:30

..telling everyone who visits my space that i'm just not finding the time to log on to blogger because i have so many things going on at once!
I have my college events that have been keeping me so busy and not to mention way-too-tired to even switch on my system. I'm now posting this little message from my phone! :(

I'm going to miss this world for a few more days! All those people on my blogroll will get my comments on their posts a little later than usual!
Love you guys!
Cheers!

Life would be different if..

2007-12-06T15:39:00.001+05:30

Tagged yet again! :)
There was a time when i used to read other tags on blogs elsewhere and wonder when will i be tagged! Just a matter of time, and they are coming in! :)
It feels good to know that people want to read my take on things too.

So this is bizarre kid's tag.

Life would be different we stopped thinking about just that! It would be beautiful if we stopped probing about how different life could have been. If we did not dwell in the past and ask ourselves those questions that don't have any scope of getting answers. It did not happen. Period.

Instead, we can think of how different we can make it now. How wonderful it would be if we did something today instead of thinking about what we did not do yesterday.

This is something everyone learns at some point or the other. What have we lost by thinking about all that happened? Nothing. But have we gained anything? Yes, more pain!

At the end of the day, was it really worth it? Why should we look back when we have to go straight ahead?

"The past is an experience, the present is an experiment and the future is an expectation. Use your experience in your experiment to meet your expectation!"

A wise friend told that to me once. At that point i just stashed it away in some corner of my mind. Now when i write this tag and think about what this quote means, it somehow falls into place.

Thinking about the days gone by can bring a smile to our face. Thats all our past is supposed to do to us. It teaches us what not to do. It shows us what we have been through, where we had come from and just how far we can go till something bigger comes our way!

Life is different! It is as diffferent as we want it to be.

Life could have been different if we went that way back then!

What the heck?

It is different now! :)

Just don't look back!

Cheers!

I tag: KC, Vem, Vands, Mads, Neers, Shashi, Prash, Anand and whoever wants to spend time thinking about such a nice topic!

Spring all over again!

2007-12-01T02:00:00.001+05:30

There was a pretty little flower. Pink petals, freshness and a fragrance that can melt away the hardest of hearts, silence the fieriest of tantrums and end even the cruelest of battles. It did not know why it had come to this world. So naive was the silly thing that it just went about its was trying to make everyone happy.

Little did it know, that everything came with a price. In all its innocence, it bloomed. It was liked by one and all. Its sheer beauty and innocuousness was mesmerizing. The sun-kissed petals, the nectar within its delicate sanctum and the perfume it exuded were all like praises sung by angels. Everything ws fine in her cosy universe.

Along came a bee.The arrogant of all! The little flower was taken. She had given her precious heart away to him. The bee claimed to be in love. Oh! So was our little flower. She dreamt of flying along with her handsome bee. He spoke to her of worlds undiscovered, of beauty unseen, of songs unheard! She was captivated. Dreamt on! She just wished her dreams to come true.
In return, for all these dreams, she gave away her sweetness and the fresh exuberance she emanated. That was nothing at all! For the bee, she herself would have seemed small as a gift.

Spring went by. She looked longingly towards the horizon. Her bee did not return. Days passed, nights dragged by. She had lost! It did not dawn on her! Her petals turned brown at the edges, her sanctum was now empty and she seemed bland to her own self. Is this what loss felt like?

"O pretty little flower! What have you done?! You were born to conquer this world, bring happiness where hope dwindles, praise the Lord who made you, bring a smile to a heart in love, wipe away tears of misery! By losing yourself, you have found the reason for your existance. Is this what you deserve?"

"Please, O wise one! Donot chide me for what I have lost! I lost, yes, in the name of love! I shall bloom again, because I know this world needs me! I might have failed this once and i learnt there is more to love than the one i tried to find!"

"Blossom, you shall, my little one! To set yourself free and to set this world free too!"

And so, the next spring, true to her word, the flower was born again. This time it found salvation in being a part of a bridal bouquet. In the midst of white roses our little flower brought joy and shined away all it luck in the new love that was united!

There is more to love than what we seek.

Behind these eyes

2007-11-29T14:01:00.002+05:30

A shout
A whisper
Few words
Some smirks

I know the pain
Behind these eyes.
Cry not,
O sweet child!

Clouded by
Ignorance,
As the wind
Carries their voices,
I know its a
Stab! But
Cry not,
O sweet child!

Yesterday was
A curse.
Tomorrow is
A promise.
Don't let them
Get to you
Today! For,
I know the pain
Behind these eyes.

I know..
I do know!
Cry not,
O sweet child!

Tagged!

2007-11-26T14:03:00.001+05:30

This is the first time i've been tagged personally. Thats a very happy milestone, again all thanks to dear sweet Lena. Well, i am supposed to be studying but the temptation was really too hard to resist!
According to this tag i am supposed to mention 8 random facts about myself.
Hmmm. Reading about someone else was pretty easy and it was so much fun! Now that i have to do it myself, i am not that enthusiastic.

Ok ok. I will cut the crap and get on with it!
The rules are as follows:
1. When tagged you must link to the person who tagged you.
2.Then post the rules before your list, and list eight random facts/habits about yourself.
3. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to eight other bloggers.

#1 Lemme begin with my glorious entry into this wonderful world.
I was a big load for my poor mum. She had to carry me in her womb for an extra 3 days. Yeah, i was an overdue baby. I simply refused to come out and my mum exasperatedly asked the doc to just get me out!! That marks the start of my legendary laziness. :D
Also i was a whopping 3.9 kilos, so you can understand my mum's hurry! ;)

#2 As a toddler, i never crawled. I just sat up. Started walking the next day! Mum still chides me about that. She says i am the kind who doesn't ever take any pains at all. Things just come crawling' to me and i never had to make an effort. :D

#3 Not that i am very proud of this fact, but i cry after my examination results are out. Ever since my first standard, i have been crying, even if i stood first in my class! Every exam till date went well, but the result-time is always soggy. I cry because i don't get what i expect. Silly, i know! I told you that i am not really proud of this fact!

#4 I have always wanted to be a doctor. Its been my dream since when i learnt to dream! I guess it has something to with my innate desire to keep learning and challenging myself. Or it is just my allergy towards Mathematics! :D

#5 I am an incurable, die-hard, crazy and love-sick romantic. I believe that is the heart is set on something there can be nothing thats impossible! I believe that there is no other powerful weapon than the one that is love.
Among other such beliefs, i am also a staunch feminist. I cannot tolerate any injustice done to women, for women are much more capable of accomplishments than are men, they only need a chance to shine. Not that i hate men, mind you! I just happen to think that way because i come from a country where women empowerment is just another empty promise made by political big-wigs!

#6 I just love reading books. The idea of a perfect relaxing holiday for me is to settle down with a lovely book in a warm sweater, sipping Coke(Queen of contradictions- warm sweater and cold Coke!), with a bag of chips and some music on my phone!

#7 I love getting lost. I wish someday to travel this world with absolutely no hint of an agenda or itinerary. I don't care even if i am going to do it all alone, I will just do it!

#8 I love the fragrance of rain on dry earth, the smell of a new book, writing on the right hand side of a book, walking on my tippy-toes in a freshly watered garden, sketching with a really dark soft pencil, scribbling my name till the ink runs out, gazing into space searching for answers to the questions i ask myself, the sound of a baby's laughter, the taste of my grandma's curd rice, the high of a freshly brewed cup of coffee, the zing of having pizza and Coke, receiving a testimonial on Orkut and i can go on till u drop dead!

Phew! I am sure that so much more than you guys bargained for!

Now, i don't have eight people to tag it to!

But i would like KC and Vemana to do it!

Cheers!

Hero

2007-11-21T15:52:00.001+05:30

She stood all alone. Let the world pass by.

People moved around her in the hustle-bustle of everyday life. Life seemed to be going on, the way it was supposed to, or so she thought.

For her, it felt like everything shrunk to a tiny dot. One small black spec of dust. It seemed like that dot would get carried away with the wind too. She held on to it. For anyone else, that was just a piece of nothingness. For her, it was the only thing that made sense. Maybe she did not make sense anymore.

For a passer-by she seemed like someone who just stood in the middle of the road waiting for her ride. Little did anyone know, that that was all there was to her. She had nothing else to stand for. Somewhere in the days gone by she had been reduced to a non-entity. She just stood there, not knowing what else she could do. She knew that if she cried out in that moment of despair she would have been heard. She did not want to be. All she ever wanted was a place she could lean on to. But every wall just crumbled. Nothing could take her pain.

And yet she stood. All alone. Blotting out the shambles her life had turned into.

She knew of a wall that would take the weights off her chest. The one that would not let those tears roll down her cheeks. The one she seeks refuge in. Her hero.

She steps out of her reverie. She spots what she had been looking for. She walks in purposeful strides. She has no care in the world because she has found the key to her locked up happiness. She walks up to the building at the corner of the street. She takes a good long look at the glass door. A smile touches her lips, like elixir to a dying soul. She sees her smile. There! Her hero. The one that can take all her woes. The one who has always been there for her. The one who is strong enough for her.

She moves on, her head held high.

What will I be if...

2007-11-17T23:08:00.001+05:30

Well, this is my first tag ever! All thanks to Lena, who gave an open invitation to everyone who went through her blog!
I should say, nothing gave me more pleasure than some soul-searching that i had to do for writing this piece.

Three Things In My Life I Can Never Let Go Of

The first thing that comes to my mind, are not things per se. They are people.
So on much deeper thought, i made it a point to stick to things and not people.

#1 My heart

My heart is not all muscles and valves. It has a zillion feelings.
I know that technically, its not something that can feel. Its my mind really that thinks and feels and all that. But, i am a die-hard romantic and i will make it quite clear now.
My heart is the one that feels, makes the emotional decisions, the soft part of me that cries and smiles, yearns and longs, paints and sings and all that!
My mind is the one that thinks. Makes the hard decisions for me. The practical side of me. The stronger half of me.

It is my heart that tells my mind what to do. Too confusing right? What i mean is, my heart is the one that rules me. That i go by what it tells me to do.
I can say that it is my heart that defines me and makes me what i am.
All my decisions are first thought out by my heart. I weigh them according to the emotional impact they have on myself and my surroundings.
Thats how i chose to be a doctor. For that special smile i will get from the people i will treat.
That was decided by my heart and my mind set out to reach for it.
It is my heart and the feelings it has that count for me.

I dread to think what will become of me if i ever let go it!

#2 Gestures

I might not always have the opportunity to use words and tell someone what they mean to me. Things change, people change, circumstances change. That person might not always be there to hear you out.
I know this through my own experiences.
I donot wish to get all soggy with this. I only want to tell what i meant by gestures.

I was 10 years old, when i lost my dad. How would i have known to tell him that i loved him? I wouldn't even have known what words to use. How would he have known to that i loved him so? I was very depressed once upon a time, thinking that i never told these words, "I love you, dad." Litle did i know, that i really did not have to say them!
My dad knew i loved him.
He knew it when i went running to him after he came home from work.
He knew it when i wrote my homework in that neat handwriting he spent hours teaching me.
He knew it when i made a big fuss about cutting my birthday cake only after he got home.
He knew it when i used to compete for his attention with my sister.
He just knew it, and never once did i have to use any words!

Not just my dad. Imagine me not knowing how much my mum loves me. She tells me just how much with the worried look she gives me when i come home late.
My grandma shows all her love for me by waking up at 5 a.m to make lunch for me. She can always say that she wasn't well enough to do it. But does she? She asks me every night what i might like for lunch the next day and makes it a point to keep her promise.
My friend could have chosen to ignore my calls in the middle of the night. But he answers, and hears me crying my heart out.

All these are gestures. Which show you how much love you get from this world. They mean much more than words that are spoken or songs of praise that are sung.
Neither can i let go of them, nor do i want to ignore these gestures.

#3 Hope

There is this line from the movie The Shawshank Redemption,
"Hope is a good thing if not the best, and no good thing ever dies"
Forgive me, if i got the words wrong. But thats more or less what i wanted to say.
Haven't we seen and heard of a million stories that are so unbelievable? I wonder whats so incredible about these stories. They all have one thing in common. That is Hope.

"Someday all you will have to light your way will be a single ray of hope and that will be enough"
-Kobi Yamada

I have heard my friends tell me this, but nothing really gives you that jolt of reality than your own experience.
When everything is lost in this world, the only thing that remains behind is hope.

When i lost my love, i felt like i had lost everything along with it. The only thing that stayed on with me was hope. Hope that one day my love will be reciprocated too. Not necessarily by that person. By all those people who care for me. My friends, family and even strangers! ANd am i not alive today? I sure am!
*smiles*

These are the three things that i can never let go of!
I want to tag all those bloggers who read this, and i definitely want to read all those stories too!
Please drop by and tell me that you were tagged by me too!

Cheers!!

Of cake and candles!

2007-11-16T19:46:00.001+05:30

My birthday!
I was so damn busy these past few days that i totally forgot that my birthday is coming up next week!

I am going to be all of 21 years!!
I should be making a few promises, a few goals i have to achieve.

I don't know why but i got reminded of this line from Spiderman.
"With great power comes great responsibility"
Not that me turning 21 is giving me any new powers! But i sure have a lot of responsibility.

I think its high time i start thinking on my own, high time i start realising that the decisions i take have some effect not only on me, but the people around me as well.

I have always led a sheltered, coccooned life. But somewhere along the line, i started feeling all alone. I think its that time when my sister left home. Or maybe its the time i joined college.
The past three years, my life was defined by one single person. Now, i am all alone again. I am not cribbing about it. It just made me realise the hard way, that Nothing lasts Forever.

And now that i am back to Square One, and a bit older than i was before, I should really know where i am going, shouldn't i?
Life seemed like such a blur the past couple of months. It just started making sense. In the cloud of tears, happiness, confusion, fear, anger and hurt i couldn't see where i was headed!

Ugh! I should stop dilly-dallying now.
This post was supposed to be about my birthday, wasn't it?

I am looking forward to all the tiny and big surprises that this day may bring me.
With new confidence and courage, i look forward to a new year. A new year i hope to fill with my achievements.
A year where i will bring more smiles than tears to the people i love.
A year which will make much more sense than the one that passed by.
*smiles*

Cheers!
To a new me, a new world and a new outlook!

Shadows

2007-11-15T02:47:00.002+05:30

Colourful world
Yet a colourless life.
In search of my hue
Off I went.

In those eyes,
I saw the depth of love.
In those dimples,
I lost myself.

In those strong hands,
I looked for care.
In the warm embrace,
I found solace.

Tears wet my pillow,
The mirror hasn't
Seen a smile,
My pen has written
Words of sorrow,
Yet the pain remains.

Seeking comfort
That has been bestowed,
A brave smile
Touches my lips.

In the dark hours,
When sleep cannot
Replace my sadness,
I yearn for happiness.

Strength comes from
Pain, I'm told.
I do believe.
Right now, is not
The time.

I let my tears
Wipe my misery.
For a cleaner
start tomorrow.

How real are we?

2007-11-14T01:57:00.001+05:30

Yahoo! Orkut. Blogspot. Myspace. Facebook.

This world revolves around a few social sites where people find new friends, new listeners to their stories, new facets to their own personality.

When i was five years old, i am sure, girls of my age did not know a thing about internet, least of all making new contacts online!

This makes me wonder now. Basically, the way i was brought up doesn't seem to equip me with enough skills to live in this almost-virtual, god-knows-whats-real-here world!

Forget about when i was five, I don't think that i ever imagined this happening when i was sixteen!

We see and hear a million stories everyday! Heck, my close friend met the love of her life in a yahoo! chat room. Orkut has brought together so many people who are all so in love and will end up with their happily-ever-afters.

It has always made me wonder- how? Whats the basis for all this?

Someone scribbling a few words about themselves which for all you know has been copy-pasted from somewhere else?! There is more than a hint of cynism in all this.

Maybe i am still living in the good-old days. But somehow, i am not able to digest this virtual love and all that! When my afore mentioned friend told me about her love, i was quite supportive. Now, when it comes to me meeting new people, somehow i can't imagine falling for some person who is hiding behind a few lines scrawled about himself!

This gets me back to my original question: How real are we? or should i ask, How much of our reality is virtual?

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and for people who read my blog, they more or less know almost everything i feel. I know this part of my world is real. But, how many other people are for real? How can we be so sure that the person on the other end is not here to hurt you? We never know what the other person thinks and what kind of ideas he/she has right?

All this aside, i also believe in the presence of more souls like me. And that positive belief is the one that keeps me going. It makes me keep doing the things i do, posting my thoughts out, whispering my fears and sharing my anguish.

I have no idea what i am trying to achieve through this post. I am not even sure what was my idea behind posting it! I just wanted to voice some thought that has been bothering me.

There! Its done now. I can now get back to my real world! lol. :D

Cheers!

Phew!

2007-11-12T21:49:00.001+05:30

What a day??!!
It seems like its never going to end!
Get geared up to go bonkers reading this really looooooooong narration about today.
It all started with less than a couple of hours of sleep. As usual i was running late for that goddamn 8 a.m class(grrr!).
I had to rush to my friend's place which is about 10 k.m away from mine and i had only 15 minutes to do that! I had no time to eat my breakfast and i asked my grandma to pack it so i can eat it once i reach college!(whatever happened to chewing your food atleast 24 times before you swallow it? I barely even have the time to look at it!).

And so i rushed into the cold morning(who even imagined that november mornings would be that cold! Now, you might think i am paranoid but i thought i might get a frostbite or something!!). I was about 7 minutes late and to our dismay, we did not find a silly auto rickshaw which was to take us to college! We were hoping and praying that our ENT(i somehow feel ENT is behind my life!) Professor should be late! He is such a stickler for coming early and taking the attendance before starting the class. You tell me whats the whole point if we missed attendance and sat through that sick class!! :O
Some angel was smiling down on me this morning. And i am ever the one to thank God for these tiny little blessings! My professor(who also happens to be the current Princi of my college!) actually took the blessed attendance after the class! Yayy!! *smiles*

Ugh! When will i learn that my happiness is always short-lived?? Right after this ENT class we had to plunge head first into some SPM(remember this subject i also crib about, other than ENT??!!). Well this time, SPM has me by the throat! We have to do data analysis(now go figure!). If you read my previous posts you would have known that we had to go from door-to-door asking them the world's most unthinkable questions! Now, we have to dig deep into those answers, analyse them and make this folder which is worth zilch! So i spent the next coupla hours doing math(if i really had to do math, why would i have chosen MBBS?? ) :O *sigh sigh*

After all this was a much needed and well-deserved lunch break! As usual the gang had so much fun gobbling our lunches like a hungry pack of wolves. If you didn't know this, we are a gang of 9 girls who define our batch! ;) cheers to that babes!! :D

I should stop feeling so happy! I always keep jinxing myself! What was next?? Paediatrics!
You would think that learning how to treat little kids and cuddly toddlers is all fun! You have never seen our glorious paediatrics department! Man! They are a bunch of slave drivers and they are like the worst of all the meanest group of professors you can ever find! And unlike other superlatives, this is something you can believe!! Oh, i should go a bit easy on the exclamations(!) :D.

Whats more? I have a bunch of SPM work to do! I am planning to burn the night oil!! God knows what good that will do, knowing that i am sleep-deprived already!
I have these horrible panda eyes right now, that i am sure will become permanent if i keep going at this pace.hmmph! :(
I am such a crazy nut case that i have probably been treated worse than a dog today and i am still finding the energy in me to post about it!
Well, i think i should go finish that SPM work!(why me, God? why me??!!) :(

What do u know? I still have the heart to say
Cheers! :D

I wish

2007-11-10T22:07:00.001+05:30

I wish I were a musician,
The symphony of my life
Would be playing everywhere.

I wish I were a painter,
The colours of my story
Would be splashed around.

I wish I were a dancer,
The ballad would have
Brought tears to your eyes.

I wish I were a writer,
For you to read what it
Is like to laugh and cry.

I wish I was much more
Than what I am now.
Only I know,
None can wish to be me
For I have that gift
All to myself.

Friends=Life=Happiness

2007-11-07T21:33:00.001+05:30

We just cant put a finger on a definition for a friend now, can we?

Yeah, we try but no matter how much we search, each sentence we come across just defines it much better than the one before.

For me they are just other souls like me, in search of some comfort, and they found me just the way i found them and the rest is history!

But then, i always felt like i am luckier than my friends for i have found them and i am not sure they can say the same thing about me! :D

There is this sweet person, who stays up till 3 a.m writing a letter for me, just so that i would get over the mess i turned my life into. Now there is a prime example of the kind of friends i have.

One soul, who is all but my mother hen, she just got sick of chastising and scolding me, that i am surprised she still has the will to talk to me!

This other dumb thing, she wakes up from her oh-so-precious beauty sleep, just to hear me blow my nose and cry my eyeballs out about how unfair my life is!

I ping this guy and ask him how things are and before answering me, he asks me whether i have finally gotten over the crap i usually whine about! Now that guy is just born to kick my butt for all the complaining i do!

And a person, who is so glad that we got back in touch, that the first time i saw her online after a few years, she asks me for lunch! That was a day i just can't forget. We laughed till our tummy hurt!

I have got a whole bunch of lovely people, who make going to my college a much better experience.

All these are just beautiful people who make my life much more joyous!

I am not even going to start on how great these people are, because a few words don't do them any justice!

And now life takes on this beautiful meaning! One that means the presence of such delights that i can't help but feel so happy and proud!

Cheers!

The Princess Story

2007-11-04T20:40:00.001+05:30

Once upon a time, in a very crowded city, there lived a girl. She was what everyone wanted to be. She was all fun, always a bundle of energy, chirpy and fun! She had some mood swings too, but that just goes to prove she was human. She was loved by everyone she knew and those who didn't know her were wary of her. She called a spade a spade. She had her own beliefs about what was right and what was wrong. She never budged on any compulsion from others. Her life was her own and what mattered was that she ruled it.
Agreed, all this makes her sound bossy and what not, but she was anything but that.

To the people she loved, she was a very sweet, soft person. She would give them her everything if need arised. And knowing this, the people who loved her didn't think twice about doing the same. She had her own little world and she was always content to be within that. What people who stayed beyond that little world said didn't matter. She had little care for that. She respected the ones who deserved some. She always had a smile on her face just to make someone feel better, even if she didn't feel like it. All she wanted was for people to like her.

And then, like all good things, it came to an end. Somewhere in her quest for love, she lost herself. She lost her reason for being herself. She was so engrossed in searching for that love, that she forgot everything about her little world. The little world where she mattered. Now, she had no smiles to give away. She had only hurt, anger, disappointment and anguish that was surrounded like a dark cloud around her. She did not see where she was going. The people who loved her started seeing that she wasn't herself. They told her so. They did everything they could to make her listen to them. She would hear them out, but never listen.

Then, one fine day, she wakes from this reverie. She hears the echoes of all the voices that were worried about her. She realises what she had lost. Not the love she was in search of, because one cannot lose what they never had. She had lost what she stood for once. She had lost the meaning of her existence.

She placed herself where she was before she went on the pointless chase. She found that her little world was just how it was before she left it. She was so glad to be back. There were tears of gratitude and those people were happy to see her back. She returned to her world a strong woman. For she had grown in her sojourn into a stronger soul.

Who says that a princess' story has to end in her being united to a handsome prince? This one here, has had a happy ending too!

The day I went fielding..

2007-11-03T22:53:00.001+05:30

Social and Preventive Medicine. Sounds so boring doesn't it?
Don't get fooled by that! Its not only boring, its actually a pathetic, life-sucking, insipid killjoy and a poor excuse for a subject in MBBS Final Year!

So why this beautiful eulogy to the all-but-wonderful subject?
Because, it has just made my existence even more painful than ever!!

I can't help but wallow in self-pity. Us poor, unsuspecting souls! What did we know that we would go from one door to another in some unnamed slum(no disprespect meant!) asking them where they dispose off their garbage?(Duh! Its a slum for chrissake! Where else would they dispose?!!)
Oh yeah! You read it right! Thats just what we do.

Once not very long ago, "field trips" were synonymous with fun, long bus journeys to some place of interest, friends singing off-key, last seats in the bus and huge wide grins.

Now, they are only horrible bus trips on a road which is practically a highway, off to some slum, roaming around those streets in our white coats, geared up with a wad of papers, asking inane(insane) questions to people who couldn't care any lesser about us.

All this for what exactly?? Go figure!!

They promise us higher internal assessment marks, the goddamned attendance and say that we are "doing something for the community"!

Reading(studying our a**** off) about the history, prevalance, prevention and control of a disease is one thing and getting dehydrated in the sun asking people really irksome questions is quite another!!

Not to mention the darned curiosity of those people. The very sight of a girl in a white coat makes those fools think we are nurses! For chrissake, you fool!! Women are not always nurses! Wake up, India! I am tired of telling people that i am a Medical Student and not a goddamn nurse!
We have a job(however thankless) to do! And everywhere we go people ask us if we are coming for the voter's card!(seriously?!)

I am so wired up right now, mulling over the events of the day, so much so that even if i am sleep-deprived and overworked i am not able to vent all of my steam!!

Damn field trips! For all i care the professor can beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Thats all for now! If i still get anymore of this crap you will find more of this crazy stuff. Just a warning, people!

Not very cheery!

Life: as I see it now!

2007-11-03T01:22:00.002+05:30

Hmmm.. The aftermath of all the turmoil.
Its really not that bad. Oh! I'll quit being so negative! Its really good, to be honest! :D

I'm sitting at my study table tackling ENT(you know i hate it!) and as usual my attention span diminishes. I have this urge to post something and voila! my phone is right next to me and the rest is being transmitted to this blog. :D I could just as easily have switched on my system but you see i also suffer from lethargy!

So, here i am studying and as usual i'm all hooked on to this lovely feeling that i get when i study. I feel like i'm accomplishing something and like i'm getting a few inches closer to my goals. Its just one of those things which make me happy. And happy seems to be the word of this month. The theme of this season. Its seems to be in the air, coursing through my veins, pouring down from the sky and like this bout of sunshine we had today!

Now i wonder what was i so glum and sad about? I have got everything i ever wanted now! And i'm really happy for myself. I feel like the people who matter really care about me and i don't care about the people who don't matter! ;) Sounds selfish, doesn't it?? But then, which princess was ever selfless?! :D
Oh yeah! I feel like a princess. And i just cant believe that i always was treated like one, and i'm just beginning to realise it!
Ugh, whatEVER! I'm happy it atleast dawned on me now!

Ohkie! All this aside, i have this teeny-tiny thing which irks me. What if i go berserk and sad all over again? What if something happens which pulls me down from this high-happy-its-so-good-up-here position? I know its just a little bothersome thought, but i guess i should tuck it away and just hope for the best and not think about the worst!

Oh! Reality check baby! ENT beckons. I've gotta get going.
*sigh*

Cheers!

And a new star is born

2007-10-26T01:27:00.002+05:30

A tiny shiny star in the night sky. There it twinkles for all the world to see. Giving little children the stuff dreams are made of, the young have their hopes replenished and the old look back on what beauty was to them.

Out of the cloudy mass of gases, it is born to make us happy. And yet it was once just empty space too. It soon will disappear into a dark spot but while it lasts it gives that magic touch to lives.

Today, the same tiny star has given a girl some hope for her life. It has shown her that she can rise out of her cloudy confusion a shining star too. And rise she will. Shine to her glory till she disappears. Shine all she can. Shimmer the world with happiness and wipe away every little tear drop. For she knows, she has it in her.

A new star is born.

Insomnia has me!

2007-10-24T01:46:00.001+05:30

Yeah yeah! another one of those posts(i am sure there are a zillion more like this to come!) about my chronic insomnia.
I am beginning to doubt that it is almost pathological and its not just due to the untimely doses of caffeine i seem to take.

I have a freakin' 8 am class tomorrow(for a night person like me 8 am is early!) and here i am typing my way to dry and burning eyes(xerophthalmia if you really want to know!) that i will invariably have when i get up for that darned class!
This post is about nothing.
Just me sleepless, caffeine-high and otherwise jobless. You see trying to cram for a test no one is writing(Orthopaedics!) is such a monumental waste of time, that i prefer bloggin' to that and hence the production of a space-occupying lesion on this blog(aka dumpyard).

So, this damn test! All the sensible people are bunking it. And as usual, i am caught in a fix! Whether to write or just take lite?!
There is always that A factor(yeah! attendance!!) and on the downside, there is unnecessary cramming to fill up atleast a page of the answer sheet! The downside is just weighing me down!!
After all, orthopaedics is not something great! Its just glorified carpentry.
Who wants to memorize all those fractures and dislocations?! (just talking about this is making me yawn, hey wait!!! now thats a good sign for my insomnia isn't it?!)

Anyways, after the sad story of my orthopaedics test i realised i have to read up on ENT(Otorhinolaryngology, so better stick to ENT!). And i now officially conclude ENT to be worse than anything i ever read up! I mean all the teeny-tiny orifices you have to peep through! Every goddamn structure is microscopic! Ugh! WHy doesn't anybody who had been through med school ever tell that THIS is what we have to do?? :(
*sigh*

I solemnly swear that, i will definitely forewarn any hapless soul who wants to get into this drudgery that MBBS isn't what its all cracked up to be!

hmmm.. There goes another oath that i am least likely to forget!

Tomorrow will be just a solid waste of time and energy! Not many important classes. All we have got is Skin(now, please don't get me started on that!!) and Medicine(yeah alright, thats a bit useful!). But since when did i bother about what classes we have?! All i do is listen to music or play some silly game on my phone.
*sigh*

Oh!!
There! i hear mum shouting again! High time i go and tackle my insomnia from a different position!(tossing and turning).

Cheers!!!!!(extra exclamations courtesy:caffeine)

Ta!

Smile :) at the world, and the world smiles back at you!

2007-10-17T21:52:00.002+05:30

This is not just an ordinary statement! Its a fact. A proven theory.

A smile is probably the brightest message you can send to proclaim your happiness. Somehow, when we are happy and we smile, we seem to rub off a little of our happiness to the person at the receiving end.

No wonder, people find this joy from somewhere within them when they see a baby. Because a child has no worries. Its always in its own blissful world. If only we could always be like that!

Smiling at strangers. Now, how many of us do that? I have seen in all my bus journeys(yeah! Journeys! They are so freakin' long you can call it that..!) that nothing wins while calming down an otherwise agitated fellow passenger than an understanding smile. A sweet smile to a weary stranger might just save his/her life or make his/her day at the very least.

Coming back to my original question, how many of us smile at the people around us? Are we so absorbed with ourselves, so busy going places, doing things and what not that we don't seem to even acknowledge the presence of another human being? Its the simplest of all human gestures yet the most profound. Why do we get so engrossed in our world that we don't give a damn to another's?

This has worked for me. Even when i'm really glum and sad(like i am these days) i just try to smile at anyone who has come past me. I mean not go about smiling at every stranger on the road(that will make me a freak!). I mean the person who sat next to me in the bus, or the person who gave me her bag to hold, or the person who accidentally stepped on my feet! It works wonders. That smile that i get in return for mine! I feel this tiny spark of joy which i thought was incapable of me.

Oh! I'm a die-hard romantic. And i believe in this world without worries if everyone just makes the effort to smile. I feel that if i touched one person with my smile, that person might do the same to another and the chain continues. I'm sure there are many people like me and this might just work out! ;)

So my dear people, just show those pearly whites! It will be worth the effort, trust me!

Cheers!

PS: By taking the effort to post such a happy thought, i'm trying to come to terms with my sadness. After all, if someone reciprocates this happy thought of mine, it will make me happy and the cycle continues, life goes on!

A one-way ticket

2007-10-16T12:48:00.001+05:30

When she gave it to him, it was meant to last all her lifetime. She never wanted him to leave. If he did leave, she wanted to tag along wherever he took her. They were supposed to see all the places possible on earth, together.

But like all good things, it came to an end. She did not believe it even for a moment, that he left her. It was only for now, she told herself. He will be back. She can't live without him, he knew that... Didn't he?? Maybe he just wants some time for himself. He will be back. She laughed it up, covering for him, consoling herself that its only for now. He can't live without her, right?!

Oh, he came back! The light was back in her eyes. She was so glad to see that she had been right after all! What she did not know that she was far from being right. He came, he made her believe in their dreams again, assured her of the happiness she was expecting, only to leave as abruptly!
This time she was shaken even more so than the last. She stopped living. She merely existed, breathing, eating and sleeping when forced to, moving on from one day to another like a zombie. And somehow she found the strength to believe in a life without love. She made more rational decisions and resolved that she wouldn't get her heart in her way.

Just when she thought life held some meaning to her, he wanted their dreams back. And after being in the emptiness without him, she realised how much she missed him. So she gave up every rational thought just to strive to make him happy. Blinded by love she did not see the end looming over the horizon. It did end. And now, she lost everything in the spire that burnt her love, her life, her hopes and her vision.

That was supposed to be a one-way ticket. Meant to last all her life. In place of it is only pain which seems like it will do just that now. Last all her lifetime.

The Serenity Prayer

2007-10-14T03:09:00.001+05:30

This is something that I have just re-discovered. My mum and sis used to talk a lot about it and only now have i truly understood the need for it.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

I only hope my prayers are answered.

Statutory warning:

2007-10-11T03:34:00.002+05:30

Yeah.. Ever seen that phrase anywhere??
Silly question to ask! For those who have seen a cigarette carton it says in really tiny letters at the bottom.
"Cigarette smoking is injurious to health"
Once not so long ago (when we were still at school) there were even ads of brands like Four Squares and Wills where this line was written in.. you guessed it!..tiny print.

I wonder why they even bother writing it! Most probably the only person to see it would be the one who bought the damn carton! And i don't think he is likely to pay heed to that warning after he spent i-dunno-how-much for it and throw it away because it says it is injurious!

Ok ok. I know why they write it so the person who would invariably develop carcinoma of the lung doesn't sue the company! And also the US FDA started the whole process of banning ads and making those people who couldn't care less(the cig factory people) print it on the packets.
Anyway, did it really affect the cigarette sales or its usage(should i say abuse?) in any way?

I should be the last person to talk about this. Me being a medico and all that! Well its only common sense that this warning is a total waste of tiny print!
Its a known fact that the most chronic smokers are doctors!(a little known fact maybe but now its out in the open!) I also don't understand how, a doctor who after going through medical school will even touch a cigarette! Didn't he ever read a pathology textbook? One look at the chapter on lung diseases will tell that "cigarette smoking" is a known risk factor for like a million diseases(inc. gastric ulcers and prostate cancers)! But does it stop him?
NO!
And still whenever and wherever I see the warning I only think of all my friends(guys, classmates and seniors) who probably have selective amnesia and that they don't seem to remember that smoking is a risk factor!

Hmmm.. Well, for my part i will say it too!

CIGARETTE SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH

There, I even shouted it! For all those people who are reading and if you care!

Cheers!

Prognosis:- pretty good!

2007-10-08T17:28:00.001+05:30

I don't really know what made me get into MBBS?!

I am guessing it might be one of the following reasons or maybe a combination of them all.

I have always been ambitious and wanted to do something really challenging, and prove that I am just not the average girl. Well, to my ten-year-old mind, becoming a doctor seemed the solution! And after years of dreaming and working on those dreams brought me to this Private Medical College.

Or maybe it is because my favourite uncle is a doctor. I have always been in awe of what he did and he being a Scorpio(like yours truly) I thought I am meant to be one too!(remember, I was only 10 years old!)

Or it is because my family seemed to have a lot of health problems. My relatives and loved ones suffering from half the diseases in Robbin's textbook of Pathology made me think that I should be the one to alleviate everybody else's miseries.

Or is it because I read this article about neurosurgeons in Young World of The Hindu that made me so dreamy-eyed about doctors in general? I remember scribbling in a million slam books that I wanted to become a neurosurgeon. :D

Or it is the scene I saw when my train(I was going to Chennai for the summer) stopped next to a slum. There were so many little kids with runny noses and the living condition was so horrible that my heart just went out to them. That was back in my tenth. It made me that much more determined to get through EAMCET and get into a medical college.

And then when I was really preparing for my entrance exam I had this epiphany. My sweet cousin, Vivek (God bless his soul!) passed away unfortunately. :(

But that just made me so much more sure that I won't let any more little children leave this world without seeing the beauty that bewaits them when they grow up.

Hmmm.. Whatever made me get into MBBS, at times when I think I have had enough with the gruelling schedules, the tension of the exams, the cramming of copious information, the hurry to attend classes and all that, I just keep reminding myself of all the work that I have put in thus far and that I shouldn't let it go to a waste. I just keep hoping that it will all be worth it some day! :)

Cheers!

Ugh!

2007-10-03T16:21:00.001+05:30

The column "Interests" on my blogger profile lists- music, books and surgery.

I should also say this profile was updated before i started my Surgery postings in college!

My interest in surgery still remains. It is the surgeons i detest!

And to get back at that group of surgeons i hate, i write this post.

Surgeons as a rule are a big bunch of MCPs. Of course, as for every rule there are exceptions. This post does not apply to those few.

#1 Women cannot become surgeons.

Ha! Get over your ego you old fool!(thats my reply to that!)

Well, women are as good as men if not better. Not many Indian women take up surgery because of their family issues and all that bunch of crap. That doesn't mean those few surgeons are incompetent.

It takes more guts for a woman to become a surgeon in a man's world!(I am talking mostly about the situation in India)

#2 You can crack all sortsa jokes on your female students.

Seriously! Who gave you the right to?!

Its sad that we can't say a thing to their face. Just because our Final Year results lay in their hands we have to put up with their snide remarks n sexist jokes!

While the boys keep sniggering at the back at their tasteless tirade, us girls have to suffer all that! Well, let me tell you this! We are so much better at answering questions during grill-time.

#3 All females under your supervision are subject to your leching.

This does not even deserve a remark from me!

It just plain disgusts me!

This is just a post to show how awful surgeons really are.(Atleast in my college, my so-called professors fall under this category.)

And as of this day, I have very little respect for this particular division of human beings!

PS: Whatever i have written so far is what i feel towards surgeons based on my experiences!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2007-10-03T16:01:00.001+05:30

The greatest tv sitcom ever!

This is how i see the bunch..

The King of sarcasm!

Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!

Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?

Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

The geek!!

Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

Put your hands together for the Drama queen! :D

Rachel: "Ya know I really thought I had hit rock bottom, but today it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap then me."

The man-child!

Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?

Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribiani, actor slash model.

Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribiani, man slash woman.

Ever the eclecticist!

Phoebe: Aw, Phebes...

Rachel: Honey, that's your name.

Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other.

The control freak!

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, livin’ in a box!!

My favourite has to be the couple- Chandler And Monica.

I am so obsessed with this show and i guess it shows when i had to post something about it on my blog! :D

Oh the conversations that have revolved around this show! I am sure many of my friends who will read this post will nod in agreement!

To many more runs and re-runs that i won't miss! :)

Cheers!

M.B.B.S

2007-09-28T17:04:00.001+05:30

Members(er..masters?) of the Back Bench Society!

Three years into this course and what have i learnt?! Well, i won't blame the system for what it is! I will only blame all the loopholes in it!

Ever since my MBBS First year, i have had this chronic affinity for the last bench. I have to say nothing beats the fun you can have there. All i ever did in those coupla hours of theory classes was read a novel with my feet up on the desk(you see i am quite short and my legs fit!) The gossip! The things we learnt about the people we barely knew!

And then came Second year. Technically, it is not a "year". 18 months of boredom with really horrible subjects, we did not have much else to do! Bunking classes and rushing to catch the matinee shows in Narayanguda, now that WAS something! And there again those few classes that we did attend, C/O last bench!There is not one Department in our Second year, which did not call us "The last bench girls"! We had so much fun annoying the lecturers booing and shouting whatever we wanted!(Well you see we are seniors now! ;) :D )

But the sad addition to Second year is the hospital postings. Each morning from 9 to 12 we had to go to our teaching hospital and look at the cases and learn something. You would think we were all sincere and atleast learn something here! Yeah!! We sure did.. We learnt how to escape these and attend Morning shows for a change! Learnt new ways for giving "Proxy"! Learnt which postings are really easy on the attendance!

Somehow, i got through Second year, got closer to my friends, found a best friend and a truckload of memories!

Now that i am in Final year Part I(aka Third year), we have to get serious. Sad!

Studying late into the nights, cramming our already full memory areas with some more useless garbage(SPM?!), rushing for 8 am classes and postings where we get grilled!(What did you learn in First and Second year?!)

But one thing never changes. We still are the masters of the back bench society!

MBBS rocks!

Cheers!

Love

2007-09-25T21:47:00.001+05:30

Great!
I always wanted to elucidate love. Or rather what i think of love.
When i think of love, all i can think of is hurt. Yeah.. I guess that sounds really negative or makes you think of me as a spoilsport or wateva but HURT is all i can associate love with.
Does that make me a cynic? I would not use that word for myself.
There is always this little knot behind every relationship that involves love. That knot being a circumstance where someone was hurt.
Now, when we know really well that a person is bound to get hurt, do we ever take any precautions? Do we really see to it that this person that we love doesn't get hurt?
Well, I don't think so. I think that by loving somebody, as in just the act of professing my love, the person on the other end is somehow immune to any hurt that can be caused by me. That now explains to me why i end up hurting people. This covers just one side of the coin.

Then comes the point where you start expecting things from the person you love. The basic expectation anybody will have is reciprocation of their feelings. If that expectation is met, there are so many more to come! So we get hurt when these are not fulfilled. This is the other side.

So no matter where you look or how you look at it, love brings hurt.
I remember telling this to my friend once, "If it hurts it musta been love!" and thats how things turned out to be.. For me, atleast!

This is a first!

2007-09-25T20:44:00.000+05:30

This is more of a warning than an introduction to whosoever choses to read my blog. The people who know me can understand why i have this need to write this as my first post.

This blog is an outlet for all my thoughts and feelings. I choose to write it down as a way of unburdening myself. I have all mixed feelings about writing a blog! Apprehension tops that list. And there is doubt. And add to that nervousness and nausea you can get a lovely picture of "me" right now!

Oh you will think of this warning when you read my silly dissections of every little thing that ever took up some space in my cerebral cortex. I should also tell you that my text might contain a lot of stupid words that we medicos(now i don't really know if this term is accepted!) tend to use. Just ignore them! I think thats the ego of a med student talking.

Now, i haven't really psycho-analysed myself and a part of the reason why i started blogging is for you to do that. It would be nice to know what my thoughts sound like to someone else.

Trial & Error

Happy Mothers's Day 2010

Of Happy Endings and New Beginnings

Purrfection

Just another day?

Papercut

I am. He is. We are.

Life:101

Letting my hair down...

Its been long...

Hyderabad Indeed

And so Final Year is here to stay!

Love letters-Unsent

Happy Mother's Day!

Live it, don't Leave it

Sorry

Hollow

Right to Sight

I must be L(cr)azy!!!

The new blog and other short stories

"Hung up"

*shrug*

A Memoir

Hush...!

Back to Bedlam

A quest forever

Peep-hole!

A walk in the rain

Apple of my eyes

Oh! For pity's sake!

Pretense

Thanjai: A Love Story

There is a time for everything, all in its own time!

Where am I?

Deliver me

My world through my eyes

I Find Happiness in..

Akila ~Tag~ Ramachandran

Forage

Just a post!

Life would be different if..

Spring all over again!

Behind these eyes

Tagged!

Hero

What will I be if...

Of cake and candles!

Shadows

How real are we?

Phew!

I wish

Friends=Life=Happiness

The Princess Story

The day I went fielding..

Life: as I see it now!

And a new star is born

Insomnia has me!

Smile :) at the world, and the world smiles back at you!

A one-way ticket

The Serenity Prayer

Statutory warning:

Prognosis:- pretty good!

Ugh!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

M.B.B.S

Love

This is a first!

shrug