I know how everybody thinks their mum is the best mother in the whole wide world. They are right, too! My mum is the best mum in this whole wide world. Only, my mum is also my hero. The woman who stood alone in this world and brought up two daughters, all by herself. And how?! I don't think my sister or I would have been what we are today if not for her. She has watched over us like a hawk and I am sure that today, she is just as proud to be our mother as we are to be her daughters.

But mum is not the only mother I am thankful for. I read this on a tee shirt at Walmart a while ago - "Grandma is Mom without the rules" How true! Especially, when it comes to my Paati. There are days when I come home and just lie down on the couch and my head automatically sinks in my Paati's lap. How I wish I could feel her soft and yielding hug right now! She is the quirkiest grandma ever! If you knew her, you'll be so green with jealousy that I have such a beautiful grandma. A true survivor she is.

There have always been three beautiful women in my life. I have already mentioned two of them. The third and the loveliest of them all is my sister. She is my best friend. There is not a day that goes by where I wish that I had some more time to spend with her. Over the years and the long distance between us, we have an amazing friendship that only gets better as time goes by. The thing is, even before she became a mother to my neice Akshaya, my sister is my mum. The lovely figure I have lived in the shadow of. The one person I look up to.

If I can be half the woman or mother as you all have been, I will consider my children extremely lucky to have me.

Happy Mother's Day, sweethearts! I may be really far away but your thoughts will always be in my heart.

PS: I wish a Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mothers out there!

OK. I don't know what or why, but I need to write. I think its more so because so much is happening in my life and I am so busy trying to swim through it all, that I don't have the time to sit down and absorb everything in. The good thing is, nice things are happening to me. The horrible thing is, I have no time for anything whatsoever. Even calling my best friend just to talk! The end is here. I don't mean "end" in a morbid sort of way. Its just the beginning of an all new life and the stop of my present one. There. I got it out. This end is bittersweet and it is happening.

What is happening? Let me spell it. Actually, I am going to write about it, not to let my readers know about the intricate details of my life, but to allow me to come to terms with the changes, the beautiful changes that are going on. I am officially of age. You know, the age where you don't get to be a big girl anymore but are forced to become a woman with responsibilities and all? As a girl, I had always wanted to grow up and live the life. Now that it is in my hands, I get this awesome feeling that one gets while sitting in the front seat of the world's most terrifying roller-coaster. Again, not morbid, at least not for a roller-coaster junkie like me.

Its great when good things happen. When you keep getting these assurances that you are doing whats right for you, personally and professionally. I am not an optimist. But with the right signs, I can see the light, even if it is just flickering, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its beautiful and its calling me, encouraging me to put on my bravest face and go for it. When you have a hand to hold, the hand which guides you through it is a sturdy one and is strong enough to support you if you do stumble, the length of the tunnel is of little significance.

So, the end is here. Of a joyful life spent talking about the world's most frivolous things with the girlfriends. Where we spent hours dreaming about a future. We never pictured that for this future to begin, this life that we were enjoying will come to an end. I am no longer that scared little girl. I am a woman about to give myself over to a man I trust. After much searching, I was lucky enough to deserve this new beginning. New beginning? Did I just sound positive? What do you know? The right kind of love can do wonders.

When I used to dream of the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I always thought he would be this perfect fairy-tale guy. You know, the cheesy guy with a brilliant smile that would make me swoon. The macho guy who would beat the living daylights out of those who bother me. The endearingly insensitive idiot who would make me smile to myself. Well, now as I am typing out my once-upon-a-time fantasy, I can't help but feel nauseated.

Life happens and it turns you inside out. It teaches you that what you expect from someone or something is not even what you really need. It shows you ever so subtly in its bizarre ways that you need to persevere with it, to even deserve the bare minimum levels of happiness. Somehow that cheesy guy with the brilliant smile looks better in your nightmares. The nightmares you can laugh about when you share a couple of drinks with the girlfriends. The macho guy you dreamed of? Well, he was probably on steroids without which he is a stupid sissy. Somehow, all you can see in that idiot is his insensitivity and you can't help but laugh at yourself for falling for such a loser. So, life tells you that this fairy-tale you had in mind is absolute Grade I Bullshit.

After all that happens and your dreams go up in smoke and a helluva lot of Vodka, you realise that this crazy guy who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, does exist! Only not in your life. You do come across such a guy. Only if you ever do, take my advice and steer clear of him. Life is too precious to be wasted on fairy-tale endings. Too cynical for you? Don't jump to those conclusions yet. Read on, dear friend.

Without even actively thinking about it, expectations change. You don't need to make these vows and resolutions that you will not fall for the next guy who sweeps you off your feet. When the perfect guy comes along, he won't even make an effort to do so. He would just present himself to you wrapped in nothing but brown paper. None of the fancy stuff for you, from this guy. Just himself and that dry wit. The type that will make you laugh and just feel good. When you are drowning in all the little worries in your life and he says that you will be fine, even if he truly doesn't know what he is talking about and you believe him because that is all you wanted to hear, you smile. A smile that will last forever because he wants it to. It will tug at your heart, when he is upset about something. You will be sleepless all night wondering what is it that is so special about this seemingly ordinary guy that you light up when he gives you that dimpled smile when you least expect it. It is enough for you if he is around to shield you from anything remotely painful, no one needs to get beaten up because nothing bothers you. Insensitivity? What is that? That word is for the girls who did not know this guy.

Yes, I can say that I never dreamt of this guy. This guy who can make me laugh and feel good. Who can light me up without even realising it. Who can show all the care on earth and some more and make me feel like I am special. Who is so seemingly ordinary, yet out of this world with his extra-ordinary brilliance. I don't want to swoon, I don't want a line of poor beaten up guys behind me and I definitely don't want an idiot. He changed my expectations without me even realising it and by doing so, he surpassed all of those silly expectations. This is what he calls purr-fection and its what I call him.

Image Courtesy: Krishna Prakash

I am peeved. Period.

Friends. Who are these people? If I were really corny I would have searched for some cheddar-cheesy quotes on the web and extrapolated on that one. I am not saying I am not corny. I do give in to some extra-saccharine sweetened quotes now and then. But, lets not talk about that. Lets talk about friends for now.

They are people who at different points of time have comforted you. At that point of time they have made you smile. The same people do go ahead and do various other things. Which are at times ugly or at times even more beautiful. By their actions and of your own they somehow either stay on as friends or move on to worse things in your life.

Everyone has their own definition for a friend. The person you call in the middle of the night to sob away. The person you drop by without calling beforehand. The person who can be the tough parent when you don't have the balls to go yours. The person who is the mother hen you felt so secure with. The person who you never talk to but you know will be there just an offline or phone call away. The person you have shared a million experiences with but haven't met so far. The person who would share that large pop-corn with you at the movies and let you drink most of the Coke. Well, you get the picture. You have your own definitions. I am sure that no matter how you define your friend, he/she will be just as glad to have you and you'd do the same for them.

Now, why am I peeved if I have so cutely described what my friends are to me? It is because there also those people who define you as a friend and fail to keep their end of the bargain. They expect you to be their friend while they go on and do things that don't fit into their own definition. I will not ask why?! I don't ask questions. If I ask, they misconstrue it as caring and they go ahead and make bigger fools out of themselves.

You might also be wondering, why this kind of a post on the eve of Friendship Day? Well, to me, tomorrow is a Sunday, one that I am going to be spending with a ward full of patients. But, the freakish messages from some random person who called me a "Sweet Friend" did spark me off to begin writing such a piece. Where on earth do people come up such stuff? The crazy messages that am sure if they really meant, they needn't have sent it at all! I don't mean to sound all snooty but one does get tired with superficial crap.

Friendship Day or not, if you are my friend you will be treasured forever. If you aren't then you will know it sooner or later. All I am asking is, try and respect someone else's feelings and they will appreciate it with twice the efforts to respect yours too.

All those corny message senders and forwarders, May Their Souls Rest in Peace!

Stranded

Abandoned

Disheartened, I stand

Silent tears roll down

Why?

Not a soul to hear

My wordless despair.

Crying out loud

Amidst a crowd

The result unchanged

Apathy

Indifference

A cold shoulder

Is all I get.

I turn to you

Let you absorb these drops

I wish you were human

Not always inanimate

So I can hear you say

That I am worth more

More than I know.

What can you say?

Can you even see?

You know I inscribe

Words in deep blue

Which make no sense

You are, I realise

Not unlike everything I love.

I am an ordinary person. I see people for what they are, accept them for who they are and love them for what they may or may not be. I hope that I will be seen, accepted and loved for who I am. I dream that I will be what I want to be. I pray to attain the strength to realize my hopes and dreams. I cherish my life and the people in it. I love. Hence, I live.

He is an ordinary guy. To you, that is. To me, he is anything but that. His laughter is the thing that will alleviate my sorrow. His dimpled smile is the one that can brighten up the gloomiest of days. His love is the fuel for my hopes and dreams. He is the answer to all my prayers. Of course, he is the one I cherish the most. He loves. Hence, I live.

We are not ordinary people. We were thrown into extra-ordinary circumstances yet fought through it all. Sometimes with each other, but most times it was just us against this world. We hope now, for a life together. We dream of the perfection our life would be. We cherish the moments we have. We love. We shall live.

It is interesting how you sit down and rewind your life for a specific period of time and watch yourself grow from being someone you were never meant to be to being someone you always wanted to be. My life over the past months has taught me quite a few precious lessons, the ones I intend to keep with me all my life, so I can draw out of them the wisdom I would need to continue with who I want to be.

Perhaps, the biggest awakening I had gotten in my life was to see myself for what I really am and stop being the hapless soul I had made myself into. So deluded was I into believing that I did not deserve happiness and I just forgot all about that blissful word. This, I could do by opening my heart and mind to people who have always been there, in the shadows, waiting for me to wake up from my reverie. And then there are those who come into your life and sweep you off your feet, rock you world and turn it upside down. Opening up and seeing myself through their eyes was the key.
Whenever you are down in life, always look at yourself through the eyes of the one who believes in you much more than you allow yourself to.

Then there was that time, where I pushed myself to the limit of breaking, to achieve what I had dreamed of being all along. The time where I fretted about all the wasted time over worthless things and people, worried that I did not deserve the dream I had because I simply wasn't worth it, mooned over what will happen to my future now that I have nothing left to stand for and still somehow found the strength to give it my best shot.
Whenever you think that you have nothing to look forward to, the least you can do is not look behind at all that went past by. What you have is now and you'd better give it your best.

When my future seemed absolutely bleak because the ghosts of my past had chased away what life there was left in me, I had tried to blot out as much of it as was humanly possible and tried to revive my life back again. I held on to a tiny sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, I deserved to be loved. The months of despair where I was lying in remorse and the distaste I had for myself for not having handled the situations well initially. The days of agony imagining that I had probably lost the best part of my life.
Whenever things look bleak, hold on to hope, even if its the weakest thread you have got. Strengthen your hopes by adding some love to it.

At the end of the day, I stand a winner. I have all the work I put in, shape out as my dreams. All the love I once gave away, has now returned a thousand-fold to keep me happy. More than anything else, I feel I have myself. The person I always was. The soul that knows to fight and withstand the hardships that may come its way.